I am a technological idiot

There's a good reason why I married Joey - other than I can't think of any other person on the planet that would tolerate my idiosyncracies like my strange obsession with bread freshness, my unwillingness to eat Doritos or any unnaturally orange food, or my inability to quit cleaning my ears out constantly and thereby jamming earwax into my ears. Or maybe I'm wrong. Any takers out there?

***crickets***

Just what I suspected.

He is way more adept at newfangled gadgets than I am. Take for example an iPod Touch. He bought both of us our own about three years ago so we could take them on a trip to Vegas and watch movies and stuff. Know how many movies I actually downloaded and watched on mine? One. It was a good one - Superbad - but honestly watching movies on that thing gives me a headache. He downloads all kinds of stuff to his. As a matter of fact, I discovered a week ago that he is at least one model newer than I am. I guess the old one never bothered me enough to bitch about it.

So then I got a newer Nano. This one apparently takes photos and little movies and stuff. Have I tried it? Nope. But it is so pretty and shiny and purple!

My Blackberry was probably the most underutilized phone in the history of the planet. I could make calls, text people, do some limited internet surfing and look at Facebook. Is there anything else I could possibly use it for? Oh, and check email. I did that a lot until I decided that I didn't want work email on it anymore because I got tired of people expecting me to respond. I mean really, people - I can't answer work emails when I'm getting pedicures. It's too distracting and throws my mojo off.

Today, I got a phone call from the nice Indian couple that owns the local cellular place. They are really lovely people that I found quite by accident - they tolerate my lack of interest in all the new-fangled stuff, and every year or so I pop in there and get some whizbang phone that can launch the Space Shuttle while it makes perfect hospital corners on my bed. And then I proceed to own a Smart Phone that clearly lives up to its name by being way smarter than its operator. Ahem. Anyhow, they informed me kindly that it was time for me to upgrade so I zipped on over there and got myself a Droid 2 with extra insurance (yes, preparing for puppy teeth) and some extra screen covers.

I can't figure out how to work the damn thing. Good thing we're heading out of town again and will be locked in the casinos for days, which are notorious for poor cellphone coverage. Maybe by the time we get home I can at least figure out how to make a phone call. I even got one with a slide-out keyboard because I have such big meaty fingers (a la Fred Flintstone) that a touchscreen sends me into fits of rage. But can I make a simple phone call? Nooooo. Sausage Fingers can't do it without dialing some foreign country with my fat old fingers.

Tonight, I settled in here to fill out the important application stuff for that Fortune 100 job I'm applying for. And dammit, I ended up pressing a wrong button and they rejected my application! I feel like I need to change my underwear now. I sent the appropriate groveling email to the recruiting department explaining that I misunderstood the question and that yes, I am actually a natural-born U.S. citizen and don't need a green card. Oy. I feel fairly sure that they will reject me simply on the premise that if I couldn't get through three questions without screwing up, there's no way I'm going to be able to handle a job there even if it is janitorial work. I hear all those guys have IT degrees anyway.

I'm thinking that I would've been way more suited for pioneer days, although I probably would've screwed up churning my own butter too.

So much for that

Well, my laptop is dead. Or I guess I should say that despite IT's best efforts, the virus that I had keeps regenerating over and over again. You run a scan, it's clean. You reboot, and the stupid thing is back. So at this point, Don came by this afternoon and told me that he was scrubbing the whole thing and starting fresh.

Apparently it came from an email that I got off Gmail. Now I'm extremely paranoid about opening emails and attachments in general because when you're married to a former computer programmer they do things like torture you with stories about computer viruses and trojans and how they will bring you to your knees. And you certainly don't feel like being lectured by accidentally downloading a virus, right?

Um, yeah. So the fact that I downloaded one (and still can't figure out which email unleashed this on me) has been pretty embarrassing. I mean, it's one thing to accidentally pick one up from downloading a bunch of free porn, but to get one from a regular old email? Bo-ring.

Hopefully Don will finish putting the poor thing back together tomorrow, because my current office situation pretty much bites wang. We have a spare desktop computer conveniently located in the mail room of all places, so I've been sitting there for the past two days. On one hand, it's great because you get to see everyone. On the other hand, it sucks because you get to see everyone. EPOD has been almost giddy because I've probably gotten more work done in the past two days than I have in months. Not having email at the office is lovely because I can only deal with things that I want to...see, I have it popping up on my Blackberry but haven't clued anyone at the office in on that little tidbit. Why ruin a good thing, right?

Off to rest. My ears are still killing me and I look like I'm about 80 years old today. Gah.

Let's get Cozi

Stop over at Picks and Pans today to see my review of Cozi - a free download that has the most awesome calendar function as well as a bunch of other cool things. I loved it, and I think you will too!

Post-vacation hangover

Maybe not hangover, but letdown? Depression? I don't know, but the fact that it's almost 3 PM and I'm still in my pajamas tells me that Houston, we have a problem. I am dead dog-ass tired, Monkey Man actually asked to go upstairs and take a nap without being forced at gunpoint, and Joey has been catnapping all day long. And don't even get my started on that worthless dog of ours, who is currently sunbathing out on the concrete driveway.

The only weekend plan that we have is dinner tonight with David and Yvonne. We're taking Monkey Man along because apparently the Christmas Staff Party for The World's Most Expensive Preschool is tonight. Yes, I know it's March. They do it that way so that the staff can take advantage of making extra money babysitting during the holiday party season, which obviously means that despite what we're paying in tuition most of it is going to mink-lined chairs, caviar and weekly massages for the owners. So this will be a G-rated night for sure since our little tape recorder is going, but at least there will be crab legs involved. Crab legs can cure a lot of ills.

My other issue today, other than being a lazy sack of shit, is that I am a technological numbnut. First of all, I am irritated because a few songs I heard on XM 48 are not available on iTunes. I thought everyone put their shit on iTunes, but obviously not. For example, one song I have been desperately trying to find to download is "Relapse" by 40 Below Summer. The only place you can find it is on their My Space page, and not for downloading, only listening. Another example is "Themata" by Karnivool. I thought everyone put their shit on iTunes, but apparently this isn't the case. And now, I will stop since I've given y'all enough ammunition to use against me and mock me until the end of time. I do tend to gravitate toward music that is kind of dark and crunchy, mostly because it's a great outlet for me and also because when you have stuff like that cranking in your office, people tend to leave you alone because they're afraid of the ax you're hiding behind the filing cabinets. Personally, I prefer a chainsaw, but to each his own.

I'm a little obsessive about music - I keep a pen and small notebook in the car because with stuff like tae kwon do schedules and work meetings running through my head and dealing with traffic I have enough on my mind without trying to remember some random song that I hear on XM all day until I can get home to download it. Not to mention that I limit myself to a certain number of downloads a week, otherwise I'd be in the poorhouse.

In other technological numbnuttedness, I have been tweaking things here and there on this blog and on the Picks and Pans site. Who knows what they will do, I'm not even sure if I did it right. I figure I can always undo what has been done, right?

Or maybe not.

Oh well. Off to defunk and get ready to go.

Tomorrow, a big day here at Builder Mama Headquarters....


If you want to check out "Relapse", go here to check it out...just make sure you don't have your speakers cranked, because one of their songs starts playing the second the page loads!

http://www.myspace.com/40belowsummer

Things that make me...

...embarrassed...

Yesterday, I was trotting across the parking lot to our other building to meet the girls for lunch and I thought I saw someone I knew. My friend Beth's husband is one of our subcontractors and he typically drives one of those huge pickup trucks with four wheels on the back (dualie? is that what those behemoths are called?). Gary is a real jokester, so when I saw the truck I started making these godawful faces and gestures toward him.

Um, it wasn't him. And needless to say, the guy in the truck looked at me like I was totally nuts. Color me clueless.

...irritated...

To the woman who practically knocked me over this morning: in your rush to drag your kid into Starbucks and beat me in line, I have a word of advice for you. Next time, it would be lovely if you stepped to the side to check out the bakery case and see what your darling child wants to eat. Oh, and to see if she wants something to drink too. Because once you ordered your own drink - then she wanted a drink too so you ordered that - then she wanted a piece of coffee cake, so you ordered that - then you had no money left on your Starbucks card so you had to have a five-minute debate with the cashier - I could have ordered my drink and been on my way.

So to you, ma'am...fuck you very much. Hope you had a nice day.

...anxious...

We have two black-tie events coming up in February. I have nothing to wear. 'Nuff said.

...excited...

Seems as though we are throwing a little Super Bowl get-together at our house on Sunday. We had gotten an e-mail from the local Morton's with this fantastic deal to watch the game on their big screen and dine on lobster and steak for some ungodly cheap price, only to find out that the Morton's here isn't doing it due to lack of space. Bastards. So now, we're inviting some of the usual suspects over and who knows what will happen. As long as David doesn't start stripping and showing off his "appleplums" (a.k.a., manboobs), I think we'll be okay, but you never know.

...feel like shaking a tailfeather...

My stupid iTunes account has been going crazy lately. Oh, okay, it's all me. But I am just finding all these cool songs on XM radio and then hunting them down. My latest favorite - "Forget My Name" by Danko Jones. Two minutes and fifty-two seconds of good shit. Download it and then imagine me shaking my ass in my office while everyone else is working.

...wonder...

I bought these great Philosophy products a few weeks ago and thought I would really love them. And my face broke out like a teenager to the point I was ready to start calling myself Jan Brady. So now I'm wondering if I'm either allergic to topical vitamin C, or maybe retinol. Which is going to majorly suck and ruin my shot at being the best-looking corpse at the funeral home.

...scratch my head...

Why oh why do I buy gadgets for myself and then never figure out how to work them? Last January I got myself a Nextel account since I could use it for work and also to talk to Joey for free, and the phone had so many features that it could provide sexual favors and launch the space shuttle. But did I ever figure out how to use it all? Nooo. This weekend, I ditched the Nextel account after two months of $120+ bills and now have a lovely Razor phone. And no idea how to do anything but make calls and check voicemail. For God's sake, don't text me or you'll get a response back like "aoiae t'a[e09aerg". Seriously. And then Joey brought home a digital camera for me. This is going to be bad.

iPod problems

Last year for my birthday, Joey bought me an iPod Nano since I love to listen to music and the little cheapo MP3 player he'd bought for me at Costco just wasn't cutting it. I need a few more than 14 songs to listen to when I'm running for an hour, know what I mean?

So far, the Nano and I have had a serious love affair. I have used it way more than I ever thought possible and have enjoyed every minute of it.

Until recently, I hadn't had any issues with keeping the thing charged up - and I guess mostly because I keep it plugged into my laptop all day and then only use it for about two hours at night if I'm working out. Then, back in August, I made the dubious decision to loan the Nano to Cat Door M for his trip to Maine. As in, he asked to borrow it, I said no, and then he said, "You mean you'll trust me with Monkey Man but not with your iPod?" (Insert guilt trip here.) He and his dad were taking a road trip up to some BMW motorcycle convention where he was going to purchase a combination navigation system/MP3 player for his bike. This was pretty surprising to me since M usually saves his electronic passion for his TV that is the size of a small European nation - the guy has no CD player in his vehicle, no iPod, nada. He recently decided to try a digital cable modem at his house and was so overwhelmed by it that he called the cable company and begged them to come take it back and restore his dial-up connection. He is pathetic.

Anyhow, apparently he was cruising up the interstate listening to my iPod (and probably questioning my musical taste quite a bit) and made it about 9 hours and the thing died.

Oops. One thing I forgot to get when I got the Nano...something to charge it with that didn't require a computer or a docking station.

Last Friday, prior to Drunken Packing, I decided to cruise over to the Apple store and see what they offered. One of my friends tipped me off that there was an Apple store not but two blocks away from where the Drunkenness was taking place, so I wobbled over there only to discover that it wasn't a TRUE Apple store, it was an "authorized dealer" that sells Macs and iPods and whatever else you can think of. The sales guy, although he looked like someone who lives with his mom and has about 23 cats, was very nice and sent me packing with a new power cord (mine had fallen apart) and an AC adaptor to use for charging.

Last night I got everything out to test it out, only to discover that I couldn't use the stupid cable that the guy sold me. I needed it anyway to dock into my laptop, but it won't work with the damn charger. So it was back to the faux "Apple store" today to try and find what the hell I needed to make this thing work.

I haven't had the guts to open it yet - I had to buy some Firewire thingy - but I am absolutely convinced that it will take one more trip. Especially when the guy couldn't get the credit card machine to work, only to discover after 15 minutes of me waiting that somehow the modem cord had been unplugged. Gives me a lot of faith in their advice.

And believe me, there was no Drunken Shopping today, so no excuses on my part. Hurumph.

Fare thee well, faithful friend

Well, apparently my laptop has bitten the dust in a rather unceremonious manner. I was downloading some CD's onto my iPod last night and the bastard decided to lock up...and then would never restart again. Geek Husband Joey tried a few times to perform CPR and just sort of shrugged and said he thinks it's toast.

The ironic part of all this? I have suspected that it was close to death for several weeks now...IT guy tried a new power cord and is ordering another battery, but I suspect I should probably call him and tell him to skip the battery.

I'll miss the laptop. A little Gateway that was just right for my small-scale hands. I had almost worn the letters off several of the keys.

Farewell, friend. I hope this isn't the end, but I'm afraid what you have is probably terminal.