My sweet, precious boy. And tequila!

I have a sneaking suspicion that this week will give me a renewed respect for single parents.

Last week, Joey called me and asked if it would be okay for him to head down to Florida for a few days.  Some kind of fancy-schmancy golf school that his largest manufacturer has invited him to attend on his dime.  And like his guitar playing, his golf game could definitely use some improvement - not to mention this is a great opportunity to do a little networking with some other companies in the same league but different parts of the US and Canada to see what the market is doing.  So I said fine.  And I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say he had a look of glee in his eye as he was loading up his clubs in the Pimp Mobile today.  Not at all.

Monkey Man is your typical 7-year old boy.  If his head wasn't attached to his body via his neck, he'd probably have left it behind at least a million times.  And that's a low estimate.  Tonight, we got home from dinner and I asked him to go ahead and take his bath.  I followed him upstairs to monitor the starting of the water and also putting the stopper down (he is infamous for forgetting while hundreds of gallons of water go gushing down the drain while he is picking toe fuzz out from between his toes), and then told him to make sure he turned the water off.  I headed downstairs to change clothes, got a phone call, and then I suddenly noticed that I could still hear water running.  And running.  And running.  I went back upstairs to discover my kid - who was supposed to be on the toilet taking a dump but instead was reenacting some sort of music video while bouncing up and down on the toilet seat - while the bathtub was probably only two inches from overflowing.

It's gonna be a loooong four days.  Good thing we have Xanax and bourbon.

*****

This past weekend we made a surprise trip up to Baltimore for a surprise birthday party for Heather (Mama Maven).  Unfortunately, some poor kid let the cat out of the bag the evening before, so she knew there was a party but thankfully was unaware that we were coming along with her childhood friend Sheri.  

Scott (G-Man) and all of their friends did a great job planning the party, and I have to say that they really have a fantastic group of friends.  There was one slight hiccup to the evening, namely when one of the attendees that we were introduced to actually realized I was Builder Mama.  I think my face turned about twenty shades of red and purple, because all I could think was that the poor guy was probably recalling Scott's tale of my Vegas proposition in the elevator.  Not really something you want church-going folks to know when they meet you for the first time, ahem.  Thankfully, I was not cast out of the house and we got to enjoy some great company as well as chocolate!  and tequila!  Life doesn't get much better than that.  

We also got to see one of my favorite PIM's, Christina, and her great family for a very late lunch on Saturday after we fought our way through the aquarium.  Her son and Monkey Man instantly hit it off, while I got to enjoy some quality bouncing time with her adorable daughter.  And did I mention that Christina gives the best hugs ever?  Yup.

It was a great, fun weekend.  And I think Joey and I realized that maybe we, too, could find a church home where people drink tequila.  

The funk and Vegas recap

Last week was NOT a good week.  Let's just call it the Post-Easter Funk of 2009.

But you know, I'm not going to go into it, because I promised you some damn Vegas stories and funk it all, I'm gonna deliver!  

A few months ago, the lovely Heather of Mama Maven fame told me that she had signed up for the half marathon in Nashville for next weekend to celebrate her 40th birthday...and would I like to go?

Hells no.  I mean really, I would rather poke my eye out with a hot poker than run 13 miles because I am a wuss of the highest magnitude.  And Nashville makes me puke.  A lot.  (Reference:  Morning Sickness 2001 started on the trip we took to Nashville, ew.  I always tell people that I've been to Nashville and probably puked in every bathroom there.)

But you know where's a great place to go for your birthday...VEGAS.  Right?  

Heather graciously tolerated my obsessing over hotel prices and flights for weeks until we finally nailed down some deals.  The coup de gras was a room at the Bellagio for...get this...$104 a night.  A NIGHT.  Hell, you couldn't afford NOT to go at that price, right?

We had a great time.  I mean, seriously, who wouldn't have a great time with Heather and her hilariously fun husband Scott (G-Man of Man Overboard)?  Holy damn.  We ate about 40 tons of bacon, drank a lot of wine and martinis, did a little retail therapy (while the guys holed up at a cigar bar which seriously got Joey cut off...I despise the smell of cigars), saw Wayne Brady, and Heather and I had a spa day.  It was awesome.

So one huge highlight of the trip was having drinks and dinner with Joansy and her friend (now OUR friend) Lori on the patio of Mon Ami Gabi at the Paris.  I'm sure my fellow PIM's that were on the Vegas reunion trip remember having lunch there...it is soooo good.  Not to mention the weather was gorgeous and the people watching was primo.  I always love seeing Joansy and it was wonderful to get to spend some time with Lori who is just the perfect friend and foil to Joansy.

And then, there was the potential of the hook-up.  It was around 4 in the afternoon and we were all heading up to the room to freshen up and catch a few minutes of rest before heading out for the evening when in the elevator lobby Joey spied a disabled man having trouble getting onto the elevator - so in typical Joey style, he hopped off of our elevator and said he was going to help the man and he'd catch up with us upstairs.

That left me, Heather, Scott, and this other couple on the elevator that were all over each other and obviously on their way up to the room for a little bumping of the uglies.  As our elevator door closed, I yelled out to Joey as a joke, "Don't worry honey, I won't hook up with anyone else when I'm by myself" or something stupid like that.  Well, that opened the door.  The other couple started talking to me and then kinda asked me to go back to the room with them.  I thought Scott was going to burst over that one, mostly because I was too freaking stupid to understand exactly what the hell the people were asking me.  Duh.

At that point, poor Joey realized that maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave me alone for more than two minutes in Vegas, because obviously trouble follows me wherever we go. 

Heather and Scott departed on Saturday afternoon, which left me and The Hub alone for the evening.  After looking at the concierge's list for shows, we couldn't find a thing that we wanted to see so we ended up booking dinner at Le Cirque - someplace that I had always wanted to eat.  Let me tell you, it was a Top 5 meal of my lifetime...between the ambiance, the service, and the spectacular food, it was really amazing.  Not to mention we ate dessert.

Overall, this was a notable trip for several reasons.  First, I always love seeing my friends - I don't allow much time in my life to do that here recently.  Second, this was the first trip I went on where I didn't have serious stomach issues or get sick.  Yay!  And...I actually came home ahead versus losing my ass on the slots.  That's a win-win if you ask me!

If you want to see pictures and Scott's take on the trip, go here and here.  

Damn you, Weather Channel, for leading me down a false path of hope

Several months ago, Heather over at Mama Maven and I decided that it would be great fun to run an 8K that is part of the local marathon. Heather is a bona fide triathlete who works out regularly and has done several different races this year.

Me...well, if you count racing to the nearest bar after work as a workout, then I'm a professional. Other than that, I've got nothing.

So as last week arrived, I got a little panicky. I hadn't run in four weeks, and that last run was pathetic at best. I think Coughstravaganza 2008 has taken its' toll on me emotionally as well as physically. All I have wanted to do is get through the day so I can crawl into bed and hopefully get a few hours of sleep.

As the week rolled on, the forecast started calling for rain. Then thunderstorms. Hmmm...I started fantasizing about how the race would probably be cancelled and then Heather and I could engage in other sports like shopping. And sleeping. I started obsessing on Thursday and checking the hourly forecasts for Friday and Saturday to see what was going to happen.

Heather came rolling in on Friday afternoon and was obviously enthusiastic. Finally I had the courage to ask her what she wanted to do if the weather wasn't good. She had plans to run unless there was lightning. Cold was okay, rain was okay, but lightning...well, probably not so good.

Around 2 AM Saturday morning, I woke up to pouring rain and lightning. I smiled a little bit to myself and rolled over and went back to sleep.

When the alarm went off at 5:15, however, it was a different story. No rain. Not a drop. SHIT.

Well, that was that. Heather came bounding downstairs full of enthusiasm, so I was obviously screwed. There was going to be no talking her into skipping the race and hitting the mall instead. So Heather and I crammed down some bagels and got hydrated the best we could, and Joey and Monkey Man took us up to the race. Nothing like a little door-to-door limousine service, right?

The temperature was around 64 degrees with a light breeze and no rain. Humid, but not unbearable. The excitement around us was contagious, because as we were lining up for the 8K the half-marathon and marathon participants were all arriving and were cheering us on.

The run was hard. I probably hadn't hydrated enough so within the first mile both legs started cramping terribly and I had to start walking. Heather blazed on ahead and I watched her white hat bob on up the route, farther and farther away. Finally, at Mile 2 they had a water stop so I wrangled two cups and chugged them down. I'm not sure if it was that or that I was just getting more warmed up, but by the end of the second mile I was able to get back on track and run more.

The last mile of the race is all downhill and finishes in downtown. My lungs were burning and my legs were worn out, and all I kept focusing on was getting to the end so I could get a damn drink. As I crossed the finish line, I heard Joey calling my name and I looked over to see my boys standing there cheering. "Yaaaaay Mommy! You didn't die!!!" yelled Monkey Man.

Heather finished a few minutes before I did. We each got a finishers' medal, picked up the obligatory bananas and PowerAde, and went off to find the Pimp Mobile so we could get pancakes. Yum.

So anyhow, if running five miles wasn't enough torture, we had something worse in store for us. Monkey Man's birthday party at the laser tag place. All in all, it went well - if you like being boiling hot and being engulfed in the smell of Sweaty Boy Armpits. Gah. The kids had a blast, whereas Joey emerged from the Thunderdome with sweat rolling off of him and declared that we were NEVER coming back there again. So obviously, the party was a huge success.

Most of all, though, I was so glad to see Heather and get to spend some time with her. She is one of the most easy-going, fun people that I know - you can definitely be yourself and just relax and have a good time. I love friends like that! Not to mention the fact that if it hadn't been for her enthusiasm there is no way in hell I would've gotten up yesterday and done the race. No way.

Today, I'm sore but in a "I did something good" way. Nothing a little bourbon and Motrin won't cure.

*****

On a totally different note, we found out Friday that Monkey Man does indeed have asthma. When they do the pulmonary capacity test, if they do the nebulizer test and see a 12% improvement in breathing afterwards, then it's considered asthma. He ended up with a 22% improvement, so that was that. We're trying Advair, along with another 3 weeks of antibiotics to make sure that any infections lurking inside are gone, and then his regular allergy meds on top of that. And, of course, the coughing is now even worse and we were up every other hour with him last night.

Tomorrow, we go to the local hospital for x-rays of his sinuses...I guess my brother-in-law wants to see what is causing all the chronic sinus infections that then turn into upper respiratory infections and so on. Sigh.

I just want him to be better.

So much to say, but not knowing how to say it

I don't even know where to start. But yeah, hi!

I guess I should probably explain where I've been. Or at least try to.

You see, I always have had a certain amount of pride about my life. That I'm the "together one". That I'm the one that always has a great attitude, who doesn't let the little things get under my skin, who forges onward with a smile and a lame joke. Yup, that's me.

Or maybe not so much.

I've been depressed. There, I said it out loud. Slowly but surely, I felt like I was sliding backwards to where I was five years ago when I felt like I was just going through the motions. You know how it gets when you're just existing to exist? Putting one foot in front of the other without any kind of joy or emotion about your life? That numbness.

You know what I mean. I know you do.

I felt like the walls were closing in around me. What might have been insignificant problems a few months ago suddenly became insurmountable, like countless stones tied around my ankles and keeping me from gaining any momentum.

The kicker was that we had a little scare here at home. As in a Oh Crap, My Period Is Late scare. The kind that the Mirena IUD is supposed to prevent, although as most of the PIM's know we do have one member who went on to have Kiddo #3 with the Mirena. I was so freaked out that I refused to take a test until 2 weeks had passed, and the day I was headed out to get the test my period started.

And instead of relief, I felt kind of sad. Maybe a little disappointed. I know we've made the right decision for our family not having more children, but there was a teensy part of me that was secretly hoping that we would indeed have another. But things happen for a reason. The strangest part was that I was surprised at the wave of emotions and was kind of swept up in it. It was the icing on the craptastic cake that my life had turned into in the past month.

Things are getting better, though. I kind of kicked myself in the ass last week and realized that pretty much everything was something that I could control and at least improve or make go away. And I started feeling a lot better. Eating better. Getting some exercise. Spending time outside. Making sure I had some fun at work, which had become a very un-fun place to be. Reconnecting with my friends. And most of all, loving my family. I would be nothing without them.

Maybe at some point the exercise and the diet and all the other stuff won't work and I might need a little shove in the right direction, but for now it's working. I feel like I'm getting my mojo back.

So while I've been scarce, I appreciate it if you're still around. And hopefully you'll continue to hang in there with me while I work through all this jello in my brain.

*****

A few shout-outs to my peeps.

Congratulations to MPP's Mom on the birth of beautiful Sweet Potato! She joins her big brother My Pumpkin Pie who I am sure is very proud!

And as of Monday, we have the arrival of Moosebaby, son of Mitzi and Moose Green and little brother of Bob. Congrats to the happy family!

And last, but not least, happy anniversary to Aimee and Bryan of Greeblemonkey fame. Twelve years and going strong! And in no small coincidence, they were 26 when they got married...so were Joey and I, and we celebrate 12 years in December. Huh.

Oh, and one more thing. Monkey Man lost his first tooth after weeks and weeks of wiggling and wiggling. He was somewhat disappointed to only get money, I think he was expecting a new car or something.

I need elastic-waisted pants

I got back home yesterday and will be living on twigs and air for the next two weeks. Bleh.

Thursday afternoon, I flew to Boston to see my friend Meredith. And I ate and ate and ate. And we drank. A lot of martinis. And we talked until I was almost hoarse. The weather was atrocious. Like no higher than 50 degrees and rain the entire time. But we managed to keep ourselves pretty entertained and also got in some good relaxing time too.

Next month will mark 20 years since I moved down here from "up yonder." Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get used to being down here, and sometimes I wonder how in the hell I ever fit in up there.

Things I miss about living up yonder:
The bread. Oh god, the bread is divine.
Authentic Italian food that doesn't taste like Ragu.
Good pastries and baked goods.
People that tell it like it is.
That you can actually drive and get somewhere without having people driving 30 in the fast lane.
Having stores actually be open on Sunday, and even *gasp* some before NOON.

Things I don't miss about living up yonder:
People constantly invading my personal space. I'm sorry, but when I'm going through a rack of clothes in a store having someone almost stick their head in my crotch to grab something from the rack underneath it is a tad unsettling.
The traffic. As in having to drive like you're in a Sherman Tank just to go to the CVS.
The lack of good iced tea.
The lack of personal warmth in some of the people working in the restaurants and stores. Seriously, I don't want to have a deep conversation with you but something other than surly indifference would be lovely.

It's good to be home. And even better, I missed three days of In-Law Interaction, which in itself was well worth crossing the Mason-Dixon line.

It got better from that point

Here we are, at part 2 of my odyssey to Baltimore. And I promise, there are no ambulances or crashing trains or Coronas involved. That I can remember.

At this point, I met Maven and the adorable Boobah in the Minivan of Destiny in the kiss and ride part of the parking lot of the Amtrak station. She didn't make me slip her the tongue, but she did give me a nice, warm, chatty ride to her house where GMan, Esmerelda, and the kids were waiting for us. As a matter of fact, GMan met me at the door with pizza and some Cabo Wabo tequila. Now, that's a man after my own heart.

While GMan got Princess Drama Queen and Boobah ready for their own trip up to visit GMan's sisters in New York, I got to chow down with Maven and Es. Now, I've known Maven for, oh probably five years - while Es is a new addition to my stable of friends. She's been friends with Maven forever, and I love reading her blog...she's really an excellent writer, not to mention the fact that she is EXACTLY in real life like I envisioned her from her blog. Funny, honest, smart, you insert an adjective and that's what you get. We had a lot of fun chatting. Her boys, A and D were also there and they were truly adorable and sweet.

Once GMan and the girls departed (although we found them still in the driveway 20 minutes later, not sure what that was all about), followed shortly by Esmerelda and her boys, Maven and I settled in to catch up. See, we met on a bulletin board on Baby Center called Working Moms - there was a group of about 60 of us that ended up splintering off into a private group that still exists today - although admittedly, it's not as active as it used to be since most of us are a lot more secure in our mothering skills than we were when the kids were infants! Anyhow, I met Maven in person at one of our reunions and we really clicked - we have a lot in common and we enjoy emailing and seeing each other when we can. I'm proud to call her my friend!

On Saturday, we both slept in, showered and ate some yummy scones, and then one of the other PIM's showed up - MPP's Mom. The three of us headed off to the mall where we indulged in some yummy food at Nordstrom, plundered our way through Sephora, and then zipped off to a spa where we got pedicures. The three of us laughed and talked the entire time - it's amazing to me to this day that the PIM's, who only see each other in person once a year, fall right into easy conversation every single time. I've met some of them from all different parts of the country, and it's always so much fun.

MPP's Mom left in the late afternoon, and Maven and I got dolled up and headed to a wonderful restaurant named Trapeze that had great martinis and even better filet mignon. Seriously, it was really delicious. Then we headed back to the house, changed into our sweats, and hunkered down to talk ourselves silly - I can't believe I wasn't hoarse by the end of the weekend.

Sunday morning we had a great brunch, ran to Costco so I could get some new reading material (I had obviously used all of mine on the train on Friday), and then it was time to go. The weekend went by way too fast, and we're talking about when we can get together next time...I know that Monkey Man was pissed that he didn't get to see Boobah and PDQ, so hopefully we can rectify that early next year!

Now, what I didn't get into was all the drama of Saturday. Joey had committed to taking customers to the Hokies game. Monkey Man was supposed to go to a slumber party that afternoon. So we had hired the reliable Miss Heather to come babysit him from 7:30 until noon, take him to Josh's house, and call it a day. Seems simple, right?

So I'm in the Minivan of Destiny with Maven and MPP's Mom when the phone starts ringing. First, it's Josh's mom - what can Monkey Man eat, any special sleeping routines, etc. etc. etc. We go over it in great detail and we hang up. Then my phone rings again - it's Miss Heather, and we have a problem. She has locked all of her stuff in our house by accident - including a bag with important medication in there. We don't have a key anywhere so I'm forced to call Cat Door to beg him to go by the house and let Miss Heather in. Meanwhile, Josh's dad calls and leaves a voice mail that he needs to talk to me as soon as possible. I call him - and it's the same damn questions I just discussed with the mom. Then I call Miss Heather and let her know that the house will be unlocked so that she can go by there...then Josh's dad calls me and asks if they were supposed to pay Miss Heather because she kept hanging around like she wanted something....ARGH. I was on the phone for like 25 minutes trying to get all the shit straightened out.

As it all turned out, the boys at the slumber party slept from 11 PM until 4 AM. Methinks that Josh's parents won't be having another slumber party anytime soon.

So that's my weekend. There will be a quiz tomorrow.

Thanks to Maven for a really wonderful weekend - you are a true hostess and a great friend! MPP's Mom, it was so nice to see you and get that hug you owed me from last February! And Es, I'm glad I finally got to put a person to put with the persona - thanks for taking the time to chow down with us!

*****

I am grateful for my PIM friends - you guys mean the world to me, and I'm so glad that I met such a great group of ladies!

The odyssey

And no, I'm not referring to Maven's Minivan of Destiny. I'm talking about my trip up to Baltimore...at least the getting there part.

I'm back safe and sound. Tired, but happy and relaxed and happy to have seen three old friends (Maven, GMan, and MPP's Mom) and one new friend (Esmerelda). And in order to do justice to this trip, it's going to take me at least 2 posts to talk about it. Mostly because Friday was just the most unbelievable thing ever.

So Friday morning my train was scheduled to leave at 11 AM - so I hightailed it from my office to the Amtrak station which is approximately 5 seconds away. I got on the train, got a good seat, and settled in with a few magazines and my iPod. So far, so good - right? I made and took a few phone calls and right at 11 we left the station. Life was good.

We made one stop in Ashland (which is like the strangest stop since it's smack in the middle of a street and a small men's college but whatever) and I admired all the beautiful old homes located close to the track. Looked at the leaves. Jammed out to a little Sevendust. The perfect day.

About 15 minutes later, we were traveling along at a good clip when suddenly we felt this huge jolt and the train came to a pretty fast stop. I looked out the window to my right and suddenly I see something that makes my blood run cold.

Smoke. And pieces of a yellow school bus. Holy fuck, we have hit a goddamn bus.

"Loooord, we hit a damn school bus!" the woman behind me screamed, and everyone in our car scrambled to a window to see what we could see. I felt like I was seriously going to puke right then and there. The Amtrak employees started running down the tracks, back behind the train to see what happened. Hysteria took over the car, with people yelling and trying to figure out what happened.

Finally, an announcement. No one was injured, and apparently we had hit an old school bus that was empty and being towed by a truck. And the truck driver was shaken up, but uninjured.

Thank God.

And then the waiting started. First, it was announced that it would be at least an hour for the investigation to be finished. Then, they announced that the engine was damaged and they'd have to be sending another one. From Washington.

I looked out the window. We were in the middle of nowhere. Seriously, it was a field with a dirt road - I guess that's why the guy ran into the track, there were no crossing gates or anything. The cell phone conversations around me were hysterical - everyone was repeating "no, you can't come get me because we don't know where the hell we are other than some county" over and over again.

Now, part of the interesting thing of traveling by train is that without an engine, you have no electricity. And with the damaged engine, they went ahead and shut that sucker down so we had no lights, no heat, no flushable toilets (oh yeah, that was NAS-TY), and the car with all the food didn't have much to offer. I had some nabs and a bottle of water in my bag, but I figured that since we had no idea when we were going to move again that I better haul ass up to the food car and see what I could get.

I walked up there and stood in line for a good 45 minutes waiting to see what I could get. And they couldn't serve hot food and the cold food was pretty limited at that point. So my lunch consisted of a "cheese and cracker" kit (which actually was pretty good with some good sharp white cheddar and a variety of crackers), a blueberry muffin (blech), and two Coronas. The guy next to me and I joked about how if we were stuck there much longer, we were going to have to resort to cannibalism.

My nerves were pretty shot. The Coronas helped. I began to relax and size up my fellow passengers for possible snacks. Just kidding. Maybe.

So for the next two hours, we sat on the track and waited. We watched all the law enforcement people go up and down the tracks. The feds showed up. Amtrak and CSX had people there trying to get it all worked out. At that point, they still weren't sure if the replacement engine was on the way or if we were going to have to ride buses to our destinations.

At approximately 30 minutes into this whole debacle, I figured that I should probably call Maven and let her know what had happened so she wasn't stuck waiting for me at the station at 2:30. Um, slight problem - for some odd reason our cell phones wouldn't play nice and we kept calling each other and weren't able to get through. So I called my friend Mer in Boston - who called Maven and I think emailed MPP's Mom - and she relayed everything. Soon GMan called to check on me and said "Liz, next time...drive!" No shit.

Eventually we got our new engine and got on our merry way. So I settled back in and rode the rest of the way happy as a clam. Yeah, we were late but everyone was okay. Well, everyone but that bus. We got to DC where the engine had to be switched out again to an electric engine, and at that point I called Maven and finally got through to let her know I was probably only 20 minutes away.

Um, yeah. That would've been if I hadn't missed my damn stop.

So we're booking along - stuck behind a local train so we're making a lot of unscheduled stop. And then we made one stop...they didn't announce what it was for and everyone was asking each other if they could see what stop it was. Nope. No signs, no announcement. So we all sat back and then as the train pulled away I looked out the window and saw BWI - BALTIMORE. Just as plain as day. The collective moan rose up from our car - at least 5 of us had missed our stop. At this point now I'm just so exhausted that I'll ride to Timbuktu if they have alcohol.

There were these two elderly sisters that sat next to me the whole way - they had never been on a train or airplane before and they were going to a funeral up in New Haven. "Whattrye gonna dooooo?" they asked me. "I've been in worse pickles than this before, so I'm sure I'll figure out some way to get where I'm going," I replied just as calm as could be. Yet I felt like puking.

At this point I called Maven. "Guess what? I missed my stop," I whined. So we agreed that I'd get off at Penn Station in Baltimore and see if I could get back to BWI easily...and she would try to find out how to get to Penn Station if I couldn't get back. Geesh. When I got to Penn Station, I walked up to the main counter and there was this really nice man there. I started to explain what happened and he asked for my ticket stub - took one look at it and said, "Girl, lord, you were on that train that hit that bus, weren't you? I'm gonna put you on the Acela and get you back to BWI in the next 20 minutes, okay?" Jesus Mary, I felt like hugging him and maybe showing him my boobs or something. Gah.

The Acela screeched up to the gate and I hopped right on the food car, walked up and ordered a Corona. I then found a seat where I proceeded to drink it straight without even stopping to breathe. I think the men beside me were duly impressed.

And 15 minutes later, I was delivered into the safe haven of Maven's Minivan of Destiny.

Tomorrow, my arrival at Casa de Maven and GMan, the Meeting of Esmerelda, and whatever else I can cram in.

*****

I am so, so thankful that no one was on that damn bus. So thankful.

Tag, you're it

So it seems that Aimee over at Greeblemonkey has tagged me for a meme. Haven't done one of these in a while, mostly because I'm LAME. Seriously lame.

I'm supposed to tell you 7 totally random things about myself. This should be interesting, because I'm bor-ring.

1. I can play the violin. I took lessons for about 10 years and was actually pretty good at it, to the point where some of my orchestra-geek friends and I hired ourselves out at a string quartet and we raked in quite a bit of money. The sad part of all this is I haven't touched my violin in a good 15 years if not longer, so this causes my mother no small amount of angst.

2. I have a degree in biscuit-making. Back when I was a 19-year-old smartass know-it-all, I did three colossally stupid things - I dropped out of college, got engaged, and moved back home with my parents. Luckily, my parents had already been through this classic show of stupidity with my sister 20 years prior, so they were surprisingly tolerant (well, when not screaming at me about throwing my life away). So I got this job at a small restaurant chain based in North Carolina called Biscuitville. For a year, I worked in the management team and as part of that you have to go to Biscuit University. I shit you not. I learned all the fine techniques involved in making the perfect biscuit, and I still use those techniques today. I don't miss the hairnet and mandatory brown visor, though. Or the fiance but that's a whole other subject.

3. I have an irrational fear of bridges and tunnels. It never used to bother me until back in 1993 when I moved to our fair city and was on my way home from work in my oh-so-cute red Mustang...when the motherfucker decided to break down on the only two-lane bridge in the entire city. During rush hour. And of course, it's in a somewhat remote area where the nearest gas station or phone was a good 3-mile hike up the road. In heels. I ended up actually accepting a ride from a total stranger (a woman with a little girl in the car so I figured if she was an ax murderer I could easily run while she was whacking the kid) and found help, but I swear it freaked me out so much that I started having panic attacks when I had to go across a bridge or tunnel. It's gotten better over the past two years but I still get a little panicky when I think about it.

4. I sang in a band in high school. That was an interesting time. We sucked, so obviously it didn't really go anywhere. But I looked hot in spandex, so there's that. I wish I had a freaking picture of it though, because it was priceless.

5. I have known two people personally that were murdered. One was our youth group leader in church - she used to have a group of us over all the time for slumber parties and such. Her husband went psycho and stabbed her over 30 times with a screwdriver in front of their youngest child. I believe that he did some time in the mental ward and was released a few years ago. The second one was one of my string quartet buddies who missed the late bus after school, was picked up by someone she knew, and raped and murdered. He's on death row now. Both murders happened within 2 years of each other. I miss them both, especially my youth group leader.

6. I am a terrible swimmer. I almost drowned when I was taking swimming lessons at the age of 8 - right there in front of the swimming teacher. I can just swim enough to get by but it's definitely not my favorite thing to do.

7. When I graduated from college, I had no intention of doing anything but getting a job as a paralegal. That year ('93) was the worst job market in decades, so I ended up taking a temp job at a construction company that my boyfriend's stepfather helped me get. Needless to say, it was one hell of a temp job.

So now for the tagging - and I bet some of you already have been tagged....

Tanaya
Esmerelda
GMan
Joansy Rambles
Mitzi
Jen
Oh crap, I need one more...well, if you decide to do this just post in the comments, directing me to your blog....

You may wake up now.

We're off

And we're going here for a few days. Work, ya know.

I haven't packed yet. Babysitter is coming at 8 AM so I need to get moving.

Most importantly, though, I want to give a shout out to the PIM's who are in Denver today - Teresa, Gretchen, and Anne are doing the 1/2 marathon there today, while Aimee (and I bet Julie too!) will be there cheering them on.

You go, girls! Good luck!

A mish-mash post full of goodness

'Scuse me, but I have some bidness to tend to.

First, my homegirl Jen tagged me for 7 random things about myself. Let's see how random I can get:

1. I used to have a terrible bridge and tunnel phobia. It's under control now, but occasionally I find myself breaking into a sweat on a really high bridge. Probably having to cross a few on the way to and from work every day cured it, huh?

2. I can play the violin. Really. Seriously. And the flute (and I'm not referring to the skin type, although I can rock that too). And piano. And English handbells. I am a wild woman!

3. I have never smoked a cigarette or anything else for that matter. I think I was always too scared that my mom would find out and kill me, which was probably a pretty valid concern.

4. My first major in college was Pre-Dental. I got over that pretty quickly. The thought of smelling people's bad breath all damn day was way too much.

5. When I was pregnant, I wanted a c-section versus regular childbirth. I was scared to death of getting an episiotomy and the possibility of subsequent tearing. After having a friend get third degree tears down yonder, that pretty much took any desire for vaginal birth away from me.

6. There are lots of popular movies that I have either never seen or have only seen bits and pieces of. How about Animal House, Blues Brothers, Sixteen Candles, Caddyshack just to name a few? But damn, I've seen Gone With The Wind about a zillion times, and don't even get me started on Boomerang.

7. I was eighteen when I lost my virginity. Again, thanks to my mom who told me that if she found out I was bumping nasties with anyone, she was going to kick my ass out of the house. So I waited until I was eighteen just in case she found out, because then I could rent my own apartment. I kind of forgot about the whole part about needing money to pay rent, but whatever. It all worked out for the best.

Thanks, Jen, for making me feel like a freak. And if you haven't been by Jen's please stop by so you can read about her girls, the Third Child, and all the fun going on at her hizzouse.

*****

Then, one of my favorite studs, GMan, nominated a bunch of us as Rockin' Girl Bloggers. He's really an honorary one and was nominated as such by Aimee. Good catch, Aimee - I can't think of anyone more deserving of a set of honorary ovaries as GMan.

Thanks, GMan. That's some pretty lofty company that you've lumped me with, including some of my favorite bloggers and some new ones that I will definitely need to check out.

And not only is he a Rockin' Girl Blogger, he gifted me with the most precious gift of all:

A pimped-out version of my Avalon. All I need are some spinners and I'm in there!

*****

I promised myself that I wasn't going to post any family drama today. And thankfully, it's been very quiet on the homefront.

Work, however, has been a little different. Tomorrow is The Fox's last day, and this morning he came into my office and we talked for a while about why he is leaving and what his future holds. His exit interviews were yesterday, and he told all the management people that the best thing about working at our company was working with EPOD and me.

Me? Little old me? I was shocked and flattered, to say the least. It has been such a pleasure working with him that it really never crossed my mind that he might actually enjoy working with me too. We've known each other over ten years, we worked on a few projects together way back when and of course when he made the comment about how much he enjoyed working with me and how long we'd known each other, I had one of those moments.

You know, those moments when you blurt something out and then desperately wish that you could reel it back into your mouth? And you pray that no one heard you?

I kind of told him about how ten years ago I had a horrible crush on him. I mean, it came just running out of my mouth like verbal diarrhea, the likes of which I've never seen and hope I never see again. He turned about twenty different shades of red and purple and said, "Gosh, that's like the nicest compliment I've had in a long time!"

Oh God. Me and my big mouth. At least tomorrow is his last day, right?

I've got to work on that whole impulse control thing.

*****

That's all, folks. Have a fabulous Friday!

The super secret revealed

And there they are. G-Man and Heather popped into town yesterday for a visit. See those giddy faces? Those are the faces of people on vacation. Without children. Unbearably smug, aren't they?

We spent last night hanging out at the homestead. Joey cooked on the grill and we had a lot of drinks. It doesn't get much better than that. And we laughed. And laughed. And laughed. I woke up with a sore stomach this morning.

Over the past week, I've been talking to my friends about Heather and G-Man's visit and that I was taking today off of work to take them sightseeing. "Sightseeing? Here?" was the most common response that I got. Yeah, thanks for nothing. I mean really, if you're not all gung-ho about the Civil War (or as I like to call it, The War of Northern Aggression) then it can be a little bit of a challenge to find things to do. Not to mention the freaking heat and the fact that a lot of places are closed on Monday. Yes, we do have running water and electricity but heaven help you if you need a hamburger on a Monday, dammit.

So, what do you do when you have guests come from out of town and it's ninety-freaking-nine degrees outside? Well, you drag them all over town doing - um - stuff.

First stop was Monument Avenue to look at all the historical homes and, um, monuments. Then down to The Hood where Joey's office is so they could see where the magic happens (as well as the new industrial whorehouse lobby which actually turned out pretty well thanks to a paint color snafu). I think there was an air of disappointment that the crack whores weren't actually out on the corner yet, but it was a little early in the morning for the - ahem - ladies to report to work.

Then on to the Virginia War Memorial where you not only have a very cool memorial etched in glass, but great views of downtown. I poked on down by the river and made a quick stop at Tredegar Iron Works so we could walk the grounds there and G-Man could get some cool photos. I can't wait to see what he came up with. I think we found at least 97 sexual euphanisms on the little fact boards outside.

At this point, we cruised on down to the Science Museum where we spent most of our time. It's pretty hands-on so we were able to get down to the nitty-gritty and have some fun. Huge disappointment missing out on the basketball-playing rats, though. That kind of sucked for me, but I'll get over it.

At that point, it was almost starvation time so we hopped over to Buz and Ned's, which is the infamous BBQ place that kicked Bobby Flay's arse all over Food Network in the big rib competition recently. We chowed down on some 'cue and then headed back here so they could load up and head east.

You always hope that your guests have fun when they visit. Well, I don't know if they did, but we had a blast. We are already talking about making a trip up there sometime this summer for a baseball game, especially now that we found out you can take a train to the stadium. Hello, drunk train riding!

So in other notes, my sister and parents got back from their trip to my nephew's graduation party. And what a fucking fiasco that was. But that's another post, because I don't want to ruin my fun vacation day mojo.

Hey G-Man and Heather - thanks, as always, for being such great friends. We had so much fun! And we hope you guys have a relaxing and enjoyable few days, sans kiddos. Just don't rub it in too much, 'kay?

A little bit of this and that

There's a lot going on.

First of all, two of my favorite bloggers have big weekends ahead. Gretchen is running a marathon, and Esmerelda is doing a triathalon. Both of you ladies rock - good luck!!!!!

Secondly, we have special guests coming to visit this weekend. Shhhhh. I can't say who it is yet, it's a surprise. But it's a good one.

Thirdly, I am being sort-of coerced into a Forced In-Law Interaction tomorrow. And since the last one went so well, I can hardly wait. Good thing I can post my frustrations here, because if Joey had any idea how pissy this makes me - well, let's just say it wouldn't be good. So I'm putting my big girl panties on and dealing with it.

My parents are headed up to Pennsylvania for a graduation party for my youngest nephew who finished up at Penn State. There is much family drama right now, as his older brother went behind his parents' back and *gasp* had the nerve to buy his own house while they were out of town. See, my sister-in-law is a majorly dramatic Italian Princess and my nephew Chris has been living at home with my brother and sister-in-law since he finished Penn State three years ago. The kid has no debt except a small truck payment, so he has been socking away a little cash. Well my sister-in-law expects her kids to live with her FOREVER so the fact that he went out and bought a house without her "permission" has her and the rest of her family in a complete uproar. Let's just say that my parents will be walking into a major Italian Shitstorm when they get there tonight. Heh heh heh. My mom can hardly wait, because she will throw a little Anglo-Saxon Shitstorm right in the middle of it all.

Eyebrow and hoo-ha are healing. I went to get a haircut and color today and Bobby was nice enough to give me some temporary bangs to hide said eyebrow. My hair color, which has been this pretty copper color for about eight months now, really looks nice and fresh. My hair grows so damn fast that I think I'm going to have to start going every four weeks instead of every five weeks, which majorly sucks.

I guess the last thing of any significance is that this week I finally got an apology from Flaky Friend for the fight we had back in December. Flaky Friend has been back in the picture since January, but had never really really really apologized. This is huge. And Friend has been making a major effort to keep in touch at least weekly. So it's good...but why does part of me keep thinking that the other shoe will eventually drop?

So today's post is pretty boring. But since I have Forced In-Law Interaction tomorrow, there is guaranteed good reading coming tomorrow, so stop on back by, y'all!

Mental masturbation

One of my favorite terms, used often on the Big Corporate Office Job where we would have daylong meetings to discuss things like bathroom mirrors. The mental masturbation that would go on there was simply exhausting, and not in a good way.

*****

Lies, lies, lies

I've been a horrible slacker - Aimee over at Greeblemonkey tagged me last week to do a meme and of course I've been so - well, not busy, but LAZY that I'm finally getting around to it.

Nine truths and a lie - see if you can guess which one is the lie. Winner gets...well, my undying gratitude.

1. I have a sister that is 20 years older than I am.

2. I met Joey on a blind date.

3. I was a member of the Reba McEntire fan club.

4. I was engaged to be married before I met Joey.

5. It took me over two years to get pregnant with Monkey Man.

6. I have a birthmark on the left side of my torso.

7. I love to talk about boobs.

8. I have never had a speeding ticket or a parking ticket.

9. I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up.

10. I have never smoked a cigarette or tried drugs.

Yeah, I am boring. Yawn.

*****

An act of sheer rebellion

I came home from work tonight to find out that the Homeowner Association Nazi was around doing inspections today and wrote us up, leaving a bright orange notice tied to our mailbox so now our neighbors know what horrible people we are. The transgression? "Turf needs weed control and grass seed application and cut embankment to end of property line." We have about 10 feet of property that goes down the edge of the road and borders the woods and most of the time, we're less than diligent about keeping it manicured because, well, it's in the FUCKING WOODS. But whatever. Joey is out there now with the weed wacker attempting to at least get the grass cut down a little bit.

The irony of it all - she noticed the 10-foot patch of grass, but disregarded the very large Trash Majal that Cat Door built for us last year sans HOA approval. Bah!

*****

This little blonde woman is kicking my ass

The other week when I was home with the creeping crud, I was flipping channels and noticed an infomercial that caught my attention. I was seriously glued to the TV. And I freaking HATE infomercials like nobody's business.

What was it for? Fluidity. I studied dance for years and know how it all works, and it's true - you get completely different results from dance-type exercise versus treadmill and weights. I thought about springing for it and then Joey ended up surprising me with it for Mother's Day. I was thrilled.

And let me tell y'all. It looks easy. That little blonde woman who came up with the system - you think you could kick her ass in a second. But nooooo. She kicked my ass all over the place on Tuesday night, and I'm getting ready to head downstairs for another round of torture. A 30-minute workout and I was sweating, my muscles were shaking, and I couldn't even do some of the beginner-level exercises. It's hard. I thought I was in pretty good shape, but this just shows me that in some ways I am - and in others, I'm pathetic. Just pathetic.

*****

Shake your money maker

If you haven't heard it already, the first single from Maroon 5's new album is out already - "Makes Me Wonder." Serious ass-shaking music. I am in love. I was cranking this as I was riding through town tonight with Monkey Man in the backseat and we were "driving dancing." Yeah, people were staring at me, but screw them.

So tomorrow, at 9:58 AM, think of me standing behind my desk and shakin' it as hard as I can. Makes the day go by a little bit faster.

Yes, the bitch is back

The spring is back in my step again. It feels really good. I actually got to eat today.

First of all, I need to wish a very happy and very belated birthday to another one of my blogosphere buddies, Heather. Apparently not only did I lose 5 pounds during my illness, but also my mind. Heather, I hope you had a wonderful day!

I am happy to report that I did not kill Chachi today. However, I did significantly freak him out by pretending I was licking his mouse. He is so easy.

Lunchtime today was a visit to the amazing Celeste, who did a MicroPeel on my face. Basically, they take a small surgical blade and scrape the top layer of your face off. Yes, it was slightly uncomfortable around my mouth, but other than that and being kind of rosy pink all afternoon, I'm anxious to see what my skin looks like next week.

Oh, and this morning, I came into the kitchen to find approximately 10 kajillion sugar ants on my counter. And no one hates ants more than I do. Apparently, the gully-washer rainstorm we had yesterday drove the suckers inside, so the exterminator came and totally bombed our house tonight. And in typical luck, we have company coming for dinner on Saturday and these people are totally anal freaks about stuff so I am praying that all of these little critters are long gone. It totally pisses me off because my kitchen is spotless. It's easy to keep that way when you don't cook much, ha ha.

I have a lot of other things to talk about but my brain is about dead. Tomorrow, our weekend plans, the Great Pimiento Cheese Contest in which I hope to kick some old lady's ass, and how my two husbands are apparently playing golf together this weekend. Be afraid, be very afraid.

The Spanish Inquisition

Not really. It's an interview from Mitzi.

Want to join in on the fun too? It's easy. And I promise to be gentle with you.

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So...inquiring minds want to know:

1.) Can I have your dog?
Sure. I'll put him in a box with some holes in it and throw a little kibble in there and send him Fed Ex. No, seriously, as much of a pain in the ass as he can be sometimes, I would seriously go off the deep end if anything happened to that miserable mutt. He's my buddy.

2.) What are a few of your guiltiest guilty pleasures?
World Class Chocolate ice cream at Baskin Robbins
Amazing Grace body lotion from Philosophy
Having Friday afternoons off in the summer and getting buzzed with my friends before heading off to Mommyland
A good glass of wine like Matanzas Creek merlot
Taking a nap
Some other things I can't mention here because yo, this is a family show. Bwahahaha.

3.) What do like best about being a mom? And better yet, what do you like least?
What I like the most is watching this amazing little person that is growing before my eyes. He is such a cool little dude - a sensitive soul - a funny prankster - I could go on and on. I can't believe I made this kid.
The least? The worry that something bad could happen to my kid. I couldn't bear that. Oh, and my lack of patience sometimes - I hate that.

4.) If you could choose any time period in which to live, what would it be and why?
Probably during the 1950's and 1960's when society was changing so much because of technology and also heightened social awareness. Second choice would be the Victorian era, not sure why but it's always been a fascination of mine.

5.) If you were given one life "do-over," what would it be?
Wow, just one? I guess it would be my freshman year of college. It was just a horrible experience - I had a psycho for a roommate, too many boyfriends, too much beer, and not enough classes. I ended up almost getting kicked out of school and had to spend the summer there to get off of academic probation...which led to me meeting a guy that I fell in love with, we got engaged and I freaking dropped out of college. Not a banner time in my life. I think my parents genuinely hated me at that point, and I royally screwed up my college career. I guess the one positive thing that came out of all of it would be that instead of ending up being a dentist like I wanted, I ended up working in construction and that's how I met Joey. So a fair trade in the end.

So, who's next?

The good luck you're having is about to run out

Because your sorry tired ass will be sitting in a packed airplane on the way home today. Oh, and by the way, stupidhead - it's at 4 PM, not 6 PM like you've thought for the last five days. Oy.

I can't even begin to comprehend what tomorrow will feel like. I expect that it will feel like ass, but I'm not sure. I had originally planned to take tomorrow off but instead I'm hoping to drag into the office for at least 1/2 a day so that I can save vacation time. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now - not so much.

Yesterday was a great day. Joey and Malcolm ended up with an 8:15 tee time so I had breakfast with them in all of my unshowered glory and then came back up to the room to check emails and be a lazy sack.

And then, the highlight of my week - meeting Joansy for lunch. I can't say enough about Joansy - she is not only one of the PIM's but also one of the coolest people out there that I know.

We met at Spago and had a wonderful lunch and caught up on the kids and work and husbands and all that good stuff. Then, a little shopping. And she took me here where I cried a little and had to look at everything and then of course sample some and buy some too. Now that is friendship, y'all. Shopping and chocolate. It doesn't get much better than that.

I finally rolled back to the Wynn and met Joey so we could finally go over to the convention center. Part of the fun of the convention is seeing all these people that he does business with and then all the nightly parties. Last night was the best party - it was at Light at the Bellagio and it was closed down for the party which meant the liquor was flowing and everyone was having a blast. We finally left around midnight so we could get in some last-minute slot action.

Good thing we did. Mama won $200 last night. And you know what that means. It's time to get the hell out of town before I blow it all.

So that's about it in a nutshell. We came, we saw, and we drank a lot. A whole lot. My liver is thanking me right now that we're headed back to our normally dull existence.

And I can't wait to see my boy. That will be the best part. Who, by the way, has been taking showers the entire time we've been gone and we're not sure how much assistance Grisel has been giving him. I imagine that there are things growing behind his ears, but we can deal with that tomorrow.

Off to pack. Where the fuck I'm going to pack all this stuff is beyond me, but I guess I'll figure it all out.

Edited to add - Sorry about the run-together stuff. Blogger is being a total bitch right now.

*Yawn*

Another beautiful day here in Las Vegas. I just crawled back upstairs from breakfast and I'm looking out the window at the mountains. Is that snow I see in the distance? Damn.

Because I know you love reading every minor boring detail of my life, let me tell you about my day yesterday.

It started out that Joey and I were going to go to the mall across the street from the Wynn so he could do a little shoe shopping. Now, for Joey, this would be a major miracle because this is a guy that thinks that tennis shoes and a good pair of boots will serve for any occasion. About 2 years ago I finally talked him into some casual tassled loafers that he likes, but it was like I had to hold a gun to his head. Well, he saw these shoes the other day and for some odd reason he has it stuck in his head that he wants them.

So around 8 AM I'm finishing up getting ready and he looks on the convention website and discovers that the class that he thought was supposed to be today (Tuesday), was actually Monday. At 8 AM. At another hotel. This is some kind of certification class that he really needs for sales purposes (something about R-values of insulation, blah blah blah) so in a flurry of F-bombs he threw the laptop in the bag and hauled ass out of here, leaving me to my own devices. Heh.

After a leisurely breakfast, I came back upstairs to the room to watch a little news and ended up falling asleep on the couch up here for two hours. And I swear to you now that this is the best damn sleep I've had since we've been out here. Between getting up every 2 - 3 hours to pee, the fact that my sinuses are ungodly stuffy, and the fact that I never can sleep out here, I fell into a coma the likes of which I have never seen. Aaaah.

Now, some of y'all have asked who Paula is. Paula, formerly referred to as Hobag, is the third wife of Joey's business partner, Malcolm. Now, I never met his first wife, but I heard that she was batshit crazy. The second wife and I got to be pretty decent friends - she was a very classy person whose downfall with Malcolm, I believe, is that she is a little too straight-laced and traditional for him.

Paula, on the other hand, is always interested in one thing - herself. Having a good time. She is always up for drinking, smoking, partying 24/7/365. Now, this is a good quality sometimes because she can be a lot of fun at times. However, most of the time she is really obnoxious because of the way she treats people. You see, she was a "career waitress" who hit the jackpot by marrying Malcolm who is pretty well off and from that point onward the sense of entitlement that she waves in everyone's face is too much to take. She is arrogant, rude, and obnoxious. Unfortunately, because Joey and Malcolm are not only business partners but family members, I have to get along with her.

So back to the story for yesterday. Paula had told me the night before that she wanted to meet for lunch before we headed to the spa in the afternoon. Well, you can imagine what happened...she ended up eating a late breakfast and then hung me out to dry for lunch. It would've been nice if she had offered to at least keep me company while I had lunch, but as I found out later she had other plans.

At 2 PM we were supposed to meet at the spa. I waited and waited for her to get there, and finally she came busting out of the hair salon located right across the hall. As it turns out, she had gone in to get a conditioning treatment (her hair which is naturally dark brunette is bleached platinum blonde and is so fried it's pathetic) and get her bangs trimmed. To the tune of $180, not including tip. We headed on into the spa, got our massages and facials, and then met out at the spa shop to check out the goodies they had out there. I think between what she had done and all the shit she got, she could've fed a whole town in another country for a week. It was pretty pathetic because instead of shutting her yap about it, everyone at the spa and in the shop had to hear her bragging about that fact. Remember, people, the moral of this story - you can take a pig, put it in a dress and put some jewelry on it, and it will still be a pig. Period.

I got back to the room around 4:30 to find the maid in here, so I went back downstairs to the coffee shop and waited for Joey to get there. I looked like a homeless person - sweats, dripping wet hair, and a red, raw face. Nice. I'm surprised that security didn't come in there and ask me to take my shopping cart full of beer cans and leave.

Last night we ate at the SW Steakhouse here at the Wynn and it was really spectacular - one of the best meals ever. But again, Paula the Pig was at it. She is about a size 2, and the annoying thing is that instead of ordering something off of the menu and just eating a little bit of it, she likes to eat off other people's plates. Now, it's one thing if someone offers you a taste of what they're eating, but to demand tastes and pieces of someone else's dinner? That's just rude, flat out rude. Get your own fucking dinner.

The funny thing is that apparently a lot of the other people attending the convention came rolling in yesterday (I think the thing actually starts today) and we ran into a lot of people that we knew at dinner last night. How odd is that in a city this big?

We hit the casino again, I won $125 (never mind the $40 I lost yesterday morning), and we headed back to the room.

I think everyone is starting to feel the effects of being here 4 days. The guys had a tee time this morning at 8:15 and Malcolm looked like he wanted to curl up and die. Hungover golf is bad.

Today, I meet Joansy for lunch! The one thing I've been really looking forward to for the entire trip. And I think tonight, dinner with the biggest supplier for Joey's company and then a manufacturer's party at the Bellagio, which this party is typically way over the top. Waaaaay over the top.

Off to hose down. Have a great day, y'all.

Getting there

At least today I'm not getting the crushing stomach cramps that I was having yesterday and all night last night. I still feel kind of achy and exhausted, though. Total food count for today is 1 piece of toast, 1 cup applesauce, and some Kraft Easy Mac. Oh, and some muffins. So far, so good.

Our trip to Baltimore was great! We got up there Friday around 11 AM and the hotel was nice enough to let us go ahead and check in before we went over to the ESPN Zone for lunch. We had a great lunch (although the kids' menu does not have chicken strips or nuggets which caused Monkey Man's head to spin rapidly - they did have grilled chicken strips though which passed his muster) and then went upstairs to the arcade to kill some time before we could get our aquarium tickets at will call.

And that's where I discovered that Monkey Man is an air hockey machine. The kid is actually really good at it, and we played and played. He was pretty funny - there were umpteen gazillion games to play there, and all he did was move from air hockey table to air hockey table through the whole arcade. We did get him to do some bowling and a basketball game, but it was all about the air hockey.

Then, on to the aquarium. The special exhibit on frogs was the definite hit of the day, followed by the sharks at a close second. We had to practically drag Monkey Man out of there so we had time to run back to the hotel for a quick rest and tidying up for dinner.

All the tidying up was for naught, though, because we ended up walking to the restaurant and it was so fucking cold and windy that I was surprised to have any hair left on my head when we got there! We met Mama Maven and G-Man with their daughters at McCormick & Schmick for dinner and had a really wonderful time. Maven and I met on an online working mom's support group about 5 years ago and it was so nice to get to see her again and meet the infamous G-Man and Princess Drama Queen and Boobah.

And that's when it happened. Monkey Man, who had previously refused to leave his outpost between Joey and myself, was soon captivated by the charms of PDQ and then insisted on moving next to her where the two of them pretended to talk on cell phones and colored and engaged in typical 5-year-old dialogue ("I'm five!" "I'm five too!" "I turned five in November!" "I will be six in March!" and so on - constant one-upsmanship). The kids were immaculately behaved despite the dismantling of part of one of the baseboard heater, which Boobah proudly brandished as she walked over to our table to the laughter of the tables around us. And yes, there was talk of poop and puke and boogers during dessert because we are badasses and we can talk about that stuff while we wolf down bread pudding and creme brulee.

Saturday morning, we had breakfast at the hotel and then took a cab over to the Maryland Science Center. My review - great for older kids, not so great for kids that can't read. Monkey Man really loved the dinosaur exhibit because they have actual fossils that the kids can touch and do "archaeologist" stuff to, but he was pretty frustrated with a lot of the exhibits because, well, he doesn't understand things like mass and velocity. And neither do I, ha ha.

Then we made the classic error of taking him to the IMAX movie "Into the Deep". I figured hey, it's about fish and shit like that, he'll be fine. Well, it's not only HUGE like IMAX films are, but it was 3-D and within the first 3 minutes poor Monkey Man was shaking like a leaf and begging us to go. He toughed it out a few more minutes but in the interest of not having a week full of nightmares of big fish trying to eat him, we ended up leaving. Oh well, there goes that money down the drain.

Then we walked all around the Inner Harbor and then back to the hotel to rest before dinner. Frankly, I started feeling kind of rough around Saturday afternoon, which I think is probably when Said Stomach Virus set in. We went back to ESPN Zone for dinner and playing at the arcade and then called it a night.

Sunday morning we decided to get up, hit the road, and do a little shopping on the way back. Well, when we went into the mall there were partly cloudy skies and it was cold...when we came out 2 hours later, there was 1/2" of snow on the ground and it was coming down like crazy. We ended up getting stuck on the interstate for over 2 hours to get 3 miles...Joey was a total nervous wreck and I believe poured himself a huge glass of bourbon when we got home. And we picked up the dog, and by the time we got home I was in total agony and the real fun started.

Last night I barely slept between the stomach cramping and the weird dreams I was having about being on Miami Ink and trying to get a tattoo that I couldn't decide what it would be.

So, here I sit. I still feel exhausted and weak, but at least I don't want to rip my stomach out. Yet. I think the Kraft Easy Mac will be the real test. Stay tuned for Gastrointestinal Hell 2007!

Nice to see that some things don't change

I'd say the sexual harassment seminar the other day was a raging success.

We are harassing the shit out of each other at the office.

Actually, the attorney that did the seminar was surprisingly funny and interesting too considering he was about 100 years old and was wearing a bowtie. Bowties are just so not hot. Anyhow, the poor guy was not only trying to be interesting but he was also competing with some of the best damn box lunches I've had in these parts...and when you get like 75 people with rustling napkins, opening plastic containers, stage whispers of "anyone have any extra mayonnaise?", you're really fighting a losing battle.

He had a pretty dry Power Point presentation basically outlining our company policy, but the part that I liked the most was that he talked about some of the cases that his firm had handled. One of them totally fascinated me: This branch manager of a company called his firm and said that everyone that worked at that particular office was complaining about this young female employee who would come in every Monday morning and describe in graphic detail the Raging Hot Monkey Sex that she was having every weekend (to which I say Bah! She must not have been married!). So the attorney goes up to the branch office to interview all the employees and each one of them has their own story about something Monkey Sex Girl has done...however, no one can corroborate anyone else's story. But the attorney thinks that obviously if all these people (including the landscaper) find this girl objectionable, then there are grounds for firing her.

So they let her go. And about six months later, the branch manager ended up getting fired for some transgression and suddenly the attorney's phone was ringing off the hook. Guess what?

Every single person at that branch office had lied. The girl had done nothing, but the branch manager had some sort of vendetta against her and threatened each employee that if they didn't back him up that he was going to fire them.

Methinks someone was pissed that he wasn't the recipient of Raging Hot Monkey Sex.

Ahem.

So we all left the seminar after signing our lives away that Yes, We are Aware of the Consequences of Photocopying Ourselves Nekkid and Such Transgressions, and returned to our desks. For the rest of the day, everyone kind of acted a little on the stiff side and pretty much avoided any contact with anyone else. It was odd. Really odd.

But of course, this morning, I was walking by Jim at the copier and he said, "Damn, not only do you look good, but you smell great too!"

So of course, I had to return the compliment and tell him that he looked like a total stallion today.

Then one of the VP's asked me if I was interested in shutting his office door so we could do naughty things to each other.

And it went on. And on. And on.

"Geez, I'm glad that the seminar didn't change things around the office, " I said to Chachi.

"Yeah, well me too. Hey, do you have that video of the monkeys having sex?"

Oh yeah. Things never change. We are the poster children for sexual harassment.

*****

Well, we're off to Baltimore in the morning for a little R & R. We'll be meeting Mama Maven and G-Man and their tribe for dinner tomorrow night, so I have no idea if I'll get to check in tomorrow or not.

No running tonight - my back has been twinging a wee bit and I am just beat, beat, beat. Saving up my energy for all the walking this weekend not to mention tossing a few back.

Oh, and to my friend Chiapet who I was hoping to see this weekend - I hope Little Man is better soon. I'll give you a call when you're there and see how everything is going! Chiapet gives the best, best, best hugs ever, but I think after this week she could use a hug from me!

Lip smackin' good

Since I have nothing to say due to a crushing migraine that began at 2 AM and has totally crushed my spirit today, I give you something wickedly delicious instead.

Stop by and see Mitzi today. You won't regret it. Truly one of the best damn posts I've read in a long, long time.

Hey, Mitzi...put down the cookie. NOW.