My eyes are falling out of my head

We made it back from our Vegas trip safe and sound. No one was injured, no one got more sick than they already were, and no one got food poisoning. I think we can classify this trip as a success! Yay! Yay! Yay! The only real casualty was one of the "feet" on my large hideous hot pink suitcase was ripped off, so it tilts like the Leaning Tower of Pisa and is destined to a new home at the landfill.

Do you hear that? It's Joey, yelling Yay! Yay! Yay! to the demise of the suitcase. Nothing diminishes the power of your Man Card like carrying a hot pink suitcase.

In an attempt to cram even more crazy into our lives, we decided to take the red-eye back on Saturday night so we'd have all day Sunday to hang with the Monkey Man. In all honesty, I still can't decide if this was the smartest thing we've ever done, or the dumbest idea in history.

Our flight was scheduled to leave Vegas at 11:30 on Saturday night. My mind was racing with all of the delicious possibilities of all the things we could do with a whole day to ourselves (everyone else left on Friday or early Saturday). Sleep late? Enjoy a decadent day shopping at the Forum Shops? Gamble a little? Gamble a lot?

We ended up waking up ungodly early - 6:45 AM! Ate breakfast, packed our stuff to drop it off at the bell desk so they could hold it for us, and then gambled a bit. Joey won over $800, which is a good thing because it offset all the losses from the previous three days. Oops. We had lunch and then couldn't figure out what the heck to do. At one point we sat at a bar and couldn't even decide if we should drink alcohol or not because we didn't want to get sick on the plane. Pathetic. We were tired, our feet hurt, and we probably should've just headed for the airport to try and get home earlier.

But nooooo. Did I mention the part about wondering if this whole red-eye thing was stupid? We still stuck it out, and by the time we got on the plane I was cranky and at the point of exhaustion. Not to mention I looked like ass.

Jethro, the drunk redneck from the rural South, happened to sit behind me with his equally drunk redneck friend. Now, I love me some drunk rednecks, but not when I am sleep-deprived and they keep poking the touch-screen behind my headrest. I think I may have gotten a wee bit of sleep, but not nearly enough. We landed in Atlanta at 6:30 AM, ate a pathetic breakfast at TGIFriday's (how do you eff up pancakes?) and then sat at the gate in a stupor just waiting to get on board.

The flight between Atlanta and Richmond was possibly the most sound sleep I've had in my life. Amazing, fantastic, wonderfully blissful sleep. Too bad it only lasted about 40 minutes. I was ready to storm the cockpit and ask them to circle the RIC a few more times just to get some more shuteye.

We struggled through the rest of the day yesterday, slept fitfully last night, and today I was like the walking dead. What happened to the days when I could stay up for days on end?

Unfortunately, no sleep yet. I need to Swiffer up the mountains of dog hair, vacuum, straighten up, and throw in some more laundry. No rest for the wicked. I tried to train Rufus how to use the Swiffer himself, but he is protesting on the grounds that Swiffer descriminates against critters with no legs. And no opposable thumbs.

Reemerging from the house of sickness

Now, that was awfully rude of me to just up and disappear, wasn't it?

Sorry.

The trip to Vegas went off without a hitch. No one fought, no one got arrested, and I think I gained about 10 pounds from all the damn fine food we ate. Seriously, we had some of the most amazing meals including a "dry aged" prime strip steak at Morels Steakhouse at the Palazzo. Heaven, I tell you.

We saw Wayne Brady. If you ever get the chance to see him, sell a kidney and get a ticket. It was worth every damn penny.

We saw George Carlin too. Very disappointing. He was good for about 15 minutes (like as long as a Tonight Show segment) and then after that I kept looking at my watch and wondering when he was going to be done. Did you realize he is 70? So the routine about getting old was hilarious, but the rest - well, not so much.

I got to have lunch with the always awesome Joansy. There is never enough time, she is so much fun to hang out with! If only we lived closer, although we'd probably meet for martini lunches so often that I'd lose my job so maybe I should rethink that idea.

Meanwhile, back home, the bathroom renovation got off to a bang-up start. As in as we were pulling out of the driveway, Cat Door was breaking our tub into a zillion pieces and grunting like a caveman. What is it about tearing shit up that makes guys so happy? Anyhow, he got done exactly what I thought he would complete, and tomorrow is the BIG DAY where the tile is finally here and they will get started on that. I figure that maybe by the end of March we will be totally done with the whole shebang...this includes demo-ing the old shower and making a closet out of it.

I came home with a sick husband to a sick child. Therefore there was very little sleep in the house last week, and I decided to take the liberty of not doing much of anything except surviving without killing anyone. So far, so good. And both are feeling better, thank you very much.

The dog pissed in our basement. I think the combination of being left loose in the basement by the babysitter combined with Cat Door's incessant hammering literally scared the piss out of him. Luckily, Cat Door volunteered to clean up the piss and will also pay to have all of our carpets cleaned for us once construction is done. This is if I don't kill him first. Positive thinking, folks!

So, that's the big picture. And now that (knock on wood) everyone seems to be doing better and I'm getting some sleep, hopefully I can string more than two or three words together.

Revenge is sweet

So what happens when I have to endure 12 hours of Forced In-Law Interaction on a beautiful Saturday when there is almost anything else on earth that I'd rather do?

I make the husband help me clean out my closet. It was a total disaster. And then he cleaned out his own closet.

I think I took eleven huge bags of clothes to Goodwill, threw out about four bags that weren't even fit to give to Goodwill. That in itself tells you how enormously pathetic my closet was. The best part was throwing out a bunch of size 16 stuff from my fat days. Very satisfying.

So how was the Forced In-Law Interaction, you ask? Well, it wasn't one of our worst visits, wasn't one of our best either. The most humorous part was when my enormously obese father-in-law told my husband (who could probably lose about 30 pounds but isn't obese by any stretch) that he was fat and needed to lose weight. And again, I ask you, how in the world can they wonder why we don't come and visit?


My mother-in-law and I almost ended up kanucking again over giving Monkey Man too much sugar. Yeah, I know that grandparents seem to have this sense of entitlement that it is their outright duty to juice the grandkids up with every sugary drink and candy under the planet and then send them home, but if I have to be trapped in a vehicle with said grandkid for two hours, I'll be damned if I'm going to let him be so hyped up on sugar that he can practically push the truck himself.

Last visit, we had left Monkey Man with the in-laws so that we could run into town and do some errands. While we were gone, she gave Monkey Man a Little Debbie snack cake and about a gallon of cherry Kool Aid. I hit the roof when we got back - first off, Little Debbie stuff is notorious for having nuts in it or being manufactured in the same area as other nut products - and of course, my brilliant mother-in-law hadn't saved the box or anything so we had no idea if he had eaten anything that he could have a reaction to or not. And then the Kool Aid. Why, oh why, do you give the kid cake and a sugary drink? How about some water or milk? Oh, I guess that would be too healthy.

So yesterday, when the husband and I got back from running into town, I caught her mixing up Kool Aid in the kitchen and I politely asked her not to give him any. He had already had ice cream and juice. And before she could say anything back to me, here came Monkey Man with a huge cup of cherry Kool Aid. "Well, he asked for it," she said. And I'll be damned, the only time he's ever had it was at HER house, he doesn't even know what the shit is. So I told her no more Kool Aid. She threw the rest of it down the drain.

Then, as I sat on the couch watching my kid buzz around the living room, she came in and asked him if he wanted cookies. I told her NO, he'd had enough. And that's when I got the old "Well, I'm his Granny and it's my job..." bullshit. It's a good thing we were walking out the door in 15 minutes, or I would've wacked her over the head with her fucking wooden spoon she was using to mix the damn Kool Aid with.

Ahem.

This would pretty much sum up my relationship with them. They have a sense of entitlement to everything about my husband's life and my son's life. I am a huge inconvenience to them. I could see my mother-in-law's visible disappointment when she saw me get out of the Pimp Mobile yesterday - she loves when I don't come because then she can do whatever she wants with my boys. And of course, the last time I didn't come visit, she was gossiping all over town that she thought maybe Joey and I were headed for divorce court because I hadn't come to visit in a while. She wishes.

So we left at 8 AM yesterday, and came rolling back into town about 8 PM. A long, long day.

Today we have eaten crap all day and I have cleaned closets with Joey's help. Monkey Man helped me tote the stuff to Goodwill and we have played in the yard, pulled some weeds, and he helped me with laundry. His little butt should be dragging by now. And lord, the food that child has eaten today would put a pro linebacker to shame. Methinks he's going through a growth spurt.

Off to hose him down. So, in summary, my closets are clean, my in-laws suck, and tomorrow is Monday. Hopefully next week will be a better week than last week was.

The good luck you're having is about to run out

Because your sorry tired ass will be sitting in a packed airplane on the way home today. Oh, and by the way, stupidhead - it's at 4 PM, not 6 PM like you've thought for the last five days. Oy.

I can't even begin to comprehend what tomorrow will feel like. I expect that it will feel like ass, but I'm not sure. I had originally planned to take tomorrow off but instead I'm hoping to drag into the office for at least 1/2 a day so that I can save vacation time. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now - not so much.

Yesterday was a great day. Joey and Malcolm ended up with an 8:15 tee time so I had breakfast with them in all of my unshowered glory and then came back up to the room to check emails and be a lazy sack.

And then, the highlight of my week - meeting Joansy for lunch. I can't say enough about Joansy - she is not only one of the PIM's but also one of the coolest people out there that I know.

We met at Spago and had a wonderful lunch and caught up on the kids and work and husbands and all that good stuff. Then, a little shopping. And she took me here where I cried a little and had to look at everything and then of course sample some and buy some too. Now that is friendship, y'all. Shopping and chocolate. It doesn't get much better than that.

I finally rolled back to the Wynn and met Joey so we could finally go over to the convention center. Part of the fun of the convention is seeing all these people that he does business with and then all the nightly parties. Last night was the best party - it was at Light at the Bellagio and it was closed down for the party which meant the liquor was flowing and everyone was having a blast. We finally left around midnight so we could get in some last-minute slot action.

Good thing we did. Mama won $200 last night. And you know what that means. It's time to get the hell out of town before I blow it all.

So that's about it in a nutshell. We came, we saw, and we drank a lot. A whole lot. My liver is thanking me right now that we're headed back to our normally dull existence.

And I can't wait to see my boy. That will be the best part. Who, by the way, has been taking showers the entire time we've been gone and we're not sure how much assistance Grisel has been giving him. I imagine that there are things growing behind his ears, but we can deal with that tomorrow.

Off to pack. Where the fuck I'm going to pack all this stuff is beyond me, but I guess I'll figure it all out.

Edited to add - Sorry about the run-together stuff. Blogger is being a total bitch right now.

*Yawn*

Another beautiful day here in Las Vegas. I just crawled back upstairs from breakfast and I'm looking out the window at the mountains. Is that snow I see in the distance? Damn.

Because I know you love reading every minor boring detail of my life, let me tell you about my day yesterday.

It started out that Joey and I were going to go to the mall across the street from the Wynn so he could do a little shoe shopping. Now, for Joey, this would be a major miracle because this is a guy that thinks that tennis shoes and a good pair of boots will serve for any occasion. About 2 years ago I finally talked him into some casual tassled loafers that he likes, but it was like I had to hold a gun to his head. Well, he saw these shoes the other day and for some odd reason he has it stuck in his head that he wants them.

So around 8 AM I'm finishing up getting ready and he looks on the convention website and discovers that the class that he thought was supposed to be today (Tuesday), was actually Monday. At 8 AM. At another hotel. This is some kind of certification class that he really needs for sales purposes (something about R-values of insulation, blah blah blah) so in a flurry of F-bombs he threw the laptop in the bag and hauled ass out of here, leaving me to my own devices. Heh.

After a leisurely breakfast, I came back upstairs to the room to watch a little news and ended up falling asleep on the couch up here for two hours. And I swear to you now that this is the best damn sleep I've had since we've been out here. Between getting up every 2 - 3 hours to pee, the fact that my sinuses are ungodly stuffy, and the fact that I never can sleep out here, I fell into a coma the likes of which I have never seen. Aaaah.

Now, some of y'all have asked who Paula is. Paula, formerly referred to as Hobag, is the third wife of Joey's business partner, Malcolm. Now, I never met his first wife, but I heard that she was batshit crazy. The second wife and I got to be pretty decent friends - she was a very classy person whose downfall with Malcolm, I believe, is that she is a little too straight-laced and traditional for him.

Paula, on the other hand, is always interested in one thing - herself. Having a good time. She is always up for drinking, smoking, partying 24/7/365. Now, this is a good quality sometimes because she can be a lot of fun at times. However, most of the time she is really obnoxious because of the way she treats people. You see, she was a "career waitress" who hit the jackpot by marrying Malcolm who is pretty well off and from that point onward the sense of entitlement that she waves in everyone's face is too much to take. She is arrogant, rude, and obnoxious. Unfortunately, because Joey and Malcolm are not only business partners but family members, I have to get along with her.

So back to the story for yesterday. Paula had told me the night before that she wanted to meet for lunch before we headed to the spa in the afternoon. Well, you can imagine what happened...she ended up eating a late breakfast and then hung me out to dry for lunch. It would've been nice if she had offered to at least keep me company while I had lunch, but as I found out later she had other plans.

At 2 PM we were supposed to meet at the spa. I waited and waited for her to get there, and finally she came busting out of the hair salon located right across the hall. As it turns out, she had gone in to get a conditioning treatment (her hair which is naturally dark brunette is bleached platinum blonde and is so fried it's pathetic) and get her bangs trimmed. To the tune of $180, not including tip. We headed on into the spa, got our massages and facials, and then met out at the spa shop to check out the goodies they had out there. I think between what she had done and all the shit she got, she could've fed a whole town in another country for a week. It was pretty pathetic because instead of shutting her yap about it, everyone at the spa and in the shop had to hear her bragging about that fact. Remember, people, the moral of this story - you can take a pig, put it in a dress and put some jewelry on it, and it will still be a pig. Period.

I got back to the room around 4:30 to find the maid in here, so I went back downstairs to the coffee shop and waited for Joey to get there. I looked like a homeless person - sweats, dripping wet hair, and a red, raw face. Nice. I'm surprised that security didn't come in there and ask me to take my shopping cart full of beer cans and leave.

Last night we ate at the SW Steakhouse here at the Wynn and it was really spectacular - one of the best meals ever. But again, Paula the Pig was at it. She is about a size 2, and the annoying thing is that instead of ordering something off of the menu and just eating a little bit of it, she likes to eat off other people's plates. Now, it's one thing if someone offers you a taste of what they're eating, but to demand tastes and pieces of someone else's dinner? That's just rude, flat out rude. Get your own fucking dinner.

The funny thing is that apparently a lot of the other people attending the convention came rolling in yesterday (I think the thing actually starts today) and we ran into a lot of people that we knew at dinner last night. How odd is that in a city this big?

We hit the casino again, I won $125 (never mind the $40 I lost yesterday morning), and we headed back to the room.

I think everyone is starting to feel the effects of being here 4 days. The guys had a tee time this morning at 8:15 and Malcolm looked like he wanted to curl up and die. Hungover golf is bad.

Today, I meet Joansy for lunch! The one thing I've been really looking forward to for the entire trip. And I think tonight, dinner with the biggest supplier for Joey's company and then a manufacturer's party at the Bellagio, which this party is typically way over the top. Waaaaay over the top.

Off to hose down. Have a great day, y'all.

So uncool

What is it about Vegas that makes it impossible to sleep?

Yesterday was pretty wierd. I finally rousted Joey out around 8:30 and we got some breakfast and then hit the slots. Between the two of us we won $300, which would come in handy later on in the evening when we would donate a portion of it back to the slot machine gods. So I guess we're ahead but you know that will change today. And tomorrow. And Wednesday.

Close to what normal people would call lunchtime, we paraded over to the Forum Shops at Caesar's. This was the infamous scene of the Bling Incident last year, when Paula in a little snit decided to throw me out of the store since "you're not going to buy anything" and I guess she didn't want me finding out that she was buying something using a credit card that apparently Malcolm knew nothing about. This pissed Joey off so badly that he took me back to the store later and bought me a gorgeous bracelet, which then made Paula cry because apparently it makes her unhappy when other people get things. Especially things that they don't have to hide from their husbands until the credit card bill comes. A sense of entitlement really sucks, doesn't it? So I was prepared this year for another tantrum and for her to treat me like dirt. Because that's how she is.

I bought two really cute tops at Anthropologie, Joey bought himself some shorts and a shirt at the very cool (and great smelling) Tommy Bahama store, and we grabbed a little lunch. And then, my friends, the meltdown happened. We went in to see my little friend Susan at David Yurman, a purchase was made, and then Paula went berzerk.

I love predictable people.

One thing I've noticed about Vegas is the plethora of women who have had boob jobs. I am definitely in the vast minority here. Although some of them really should consider downsizing a bit, because their backs must be killing them.

Last night we went to dinner at The Palm which is in the Forum Shops. Excellent restaurant, by the way. And then, the uncoolness started.

What you find in Vegas is that if you look like you're gonna spend some money, you can score free passes. Last night it was to Pure, where Paris Hilton had her last birthday party and is one of the hot spots in town. Or at least until we got there.

The other thing is that money will buy pretty much anything in this town that you want. And you can plunk down a few hundred bucks on a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and end up with a VIP table for the night. This is what Malcolm decided to do, you know, because he has apparently a lot of money to spend on stupid shit like this. Yeah, go ahead and make fun of us, we deserve it.

Joey and I sat there on the white leather couches with our own personal big-breasted waitress to mix drinks and squeeze limes and rub our feet for about an hour. We scanned the crowd as the dance music pulsed on. I felt like I was about 80 years old. Joey was wondering why he didn't know any of the music. I swear, there is nothing worse in his opinion than dance music.

So we left. I bet Malcolm was pissed. But you know, that's just totally not my scene, and even moreso not Joey's scene at all.

We came on back to the Wynn, donated some of the aforementioned winnings back to the slot machine gods, and called it a night. I took my Geritol and put my Depends on before bed.

Today I am meeting Paula at the spa around 1 to use the steamroom and then we have massages and facials scheduled. I can hardly wait to spend time with my new bestest friend forever(notice the heavy sarcasm).

And now, I present, Joey Top:

Thanks, GMan, I've had nightmares ever since you emailed this to me. Thanks a lot.

Let's get this party started

We're here.

Actually, we got in around 2 PM Vegas Time and I think we went to bed around midnight. I was up almost 24 hours, which if you know me well you know lack of sleep does not bode well for me. By the time we got back to the hotel last night I inwardly felt like ripping someone's head off. Maybe I should've drank more to take the edge off instead of switching to water after dinner, but then I probably would've been doing some not-so-nice things like flashing my naughty bits to all the other touristas.

The hotel is amazing. Our room is really nice and the bed is really the most comfortable bed I've slept in ever. The funny part is that we got a convention discount (even though they're not the hosting hotel), and our other friends David and Jana are staying at the Hilton which is the hosting hotel and their room is like something at the Super 8...and they're paying the same amount that we are if not a few bucks more. I think they're moving over here today.

We went to see Carrot Top last night over at the Luxor. I've never been a huge fan of his but his show was hysterical and we all had a great time. And ladies, Carrot Top has a body like you would never believe...the guy must work out all the freaking time. If I could cut his head off, he'd be the perfect man. But don't tell Joey that, or he'll try some kind of Frankensteinian experiment and that would be bad, very bad.

So who knows what's on the agenda for today...I have zero clue. I probably need to get motivated and showered though. Or just crawl back into bed.