Monday, August 20, 2007

And yet another reason why we should be thankful that some people don't procreate

This morning, I was sent on a mission to pick up a check for this office building project we finished, oh say like ten months ago. And it's not even full payment yet, because we are still bickering with the owner over these granite countertops in the restrooms that they picked out and made us cut these ridiculous holes in and now don't like. And it's things like this, people, that make me just loooove my job more than life itself.

As I was leaving our accounting department (after watching Robin almost collapse in disbelief that I brought a check instead of coming over to beg for something) my cell phone started ringing. Hmmm, Cat Door. Wonder what he wants....

At this point, after he harassed me about why I wasn't actually at my desk (to which I pointed out that unlike him, I do actually work a REAL job) he asked if I would meet him at the granite place so we could nail down a color selection for the bathroom and he could get the pricing finalized. No, I can't meet today, I told him - I have an appointment at the Hospital downtown.

What I neglected to mention was that my skincare clinic is at said Hospital, and this is where I was going for my laser hair removal consultation and testing today. Because that's just not the kind of thing I can share with Cat Door because he will tease me until the end of time. Like remember when SG cut off part of his fingertip? Cat Door left him voice mails until the end of time pretending to be his missing fingertip. God knows what the man would do if he found out about this latest self-mutilation that I was headed to experience.

But instead, now he probably thinks I'm dying. He called and left three voicemails while I was at my appointment, and the last one asked me to call back. "Is everything okay, how did it go at the hospital?" he asked. Fine, I replied. Really, just fine. And he dug around a little bit trying to find out what I had been there for, but there is just NO WAY I'm giving that up. NO WAY. No amount of bourbon could make me give that up. Well, unless it's Bookers, then maybe. And of course now that he knows I have yet another mysterious Hospital appointment on Friday afternoon, he is just beside himself to figure out if I'm dying or just crazy.

Anyhow, the point of all this is that he had his two nephews in the car. It was too wet for him to work on his outside job today, so he called the boys and volunteered to take them to the movies. They are 16 and 12 respectively, and their parents (Mike's brother and his wife) are very religious and kind of strict. So what movie were they going to see but the Bourne Ultimatum or whatever the hell that new Matt Damon movie is.

And so, because you know that I love to stick my nose into people's bidness, the following conversation ensued:

Me: Mike, are you SURE that Bart and Karen are okay with you taking the boys to that movie? I mean, it's kind of adult for them, don't you think?

Cat Door: Hold on, I'm going to put you on speakerphone...okay, can you hear me?

Me: Yes.

Cat Door: Guys, this is Liz. Tell Liz what the rule is when you do things with me.

The Nephews (in unison): What happens with Uncle Mike, stays with Uncle Mike.

Me: So guys, can you hear me? So I have this 5-year old, right? And Mike always wants to take him to do things. Should I trust him with my son?

The Oldest Nephew: Hell no, ma'am. My own parents don't even trust him with US.

Cat Door: Um, I'm taking you off speakerphone now. Thanks. Thanks a lot.


Back to the laser hair removal. It was actually pretty cool. The laser that they have blasts you with this really cold air when it zaps you. They did a test spot under my jaw to see if I had a reaction, and then a few test spots on the areas I want zapped.

Since the last time I went to Celeste, The Skin Goddess for waxing, she's been very gunshy about doing anything on me because I have such delicate skin. And of course, being the bitch that I am, I like to totally fuck with her.

"So, did you feel that?" she asked after like the 4th zap.

"Yeah, it wasn't bad. But do you smell something like bacon?"

I am evil. Evil to the core.


Heather said...

Oh woman, you are too funny! The bacon comment had me laughing out loud. Poor Cat Door---NOT!

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

LOL. Love it. Do you smell bacon?

And I loved the "What happens with Uncle Mike stays with Uncle Mike" bit.

g-man said...

You be nice to Cat Door, one day you will appreciate some of the "bad" stuff he teaches MM. (He certainly will)

Have fun lasering (maybe she will laser her initials into your face for being such a smart-ass? :)