Last stop on the crazy train

I was so damn tired last night that I couldn't even bring myself to post. Not to mention than unless you wanted to hear about my trip to the gynecologist yesterday for my yearly exam, I pretty much had nothin'. Although her heated tables are very lovely. And I really, really like her as a doctor, because she actually spends more time talking to me while I'm in an upright position versus while she's using the speculum. Blech.

Honestly, the last week has been really hard for me to come here and write. I have always tried to be upbeat and find the lighter side of things in life, and the way things have been going it's almost been hard to even get up in the morning. I've done a relatively decent job holding myself together, but maybe it's almost been too good of a job if that makes any sense. Part of me is somewhat embarrassed because I'm supposed to be tougher than all of this while inside I feel like a big pile of spaghetti.

I used to feel like I had a very charmed life. Even with the whole infertility problem, we had a good life and we were happy. In July 2005, one of Joey's business partners (who also happens to be a relative) had a horrible accident with massive head injuries and almost died. And since that accident, I've felt like a huge dark black cloud has been hanging over our heads because it's been one thing after another. I won't go into the long laundry list of things that have happened in the past 1-1/2 years because it's just too depressing to write it all out and some of it is very intensely personal. But just the last 2-1/2 months have left me wondering when the craziness is going to end.

Tonight, my sister was talking to my mom and apparently my dad has told her that he wants to go to a nursing home because he thinks it's too much for Mom to take care of him and it "isn't fair" to her. Hearing my sister crying like a baby just broke my heart. None of us want that for him, least of all my mother - who in the past month has really surpassed every expectation I've had for her and taken on my dad's recovery as her personal mission. The part that kills me the most is that between Monkey Man's hospitalization and upcoming surgery and then my own illness there isn't any way I can go down there anytime soon to give them any moral support. He could really use a good pep talk right now, and my mom could use some help and a break for a few hours for several days. And I can't do a damn thing to help.

I'm running out of steam. The only things keeping me going right now are Monkey Man, Joey, and my stubborn refusal to let all this get the better of me. I just feel like I'm grasping at the last shreds of sanity.