Today was Monkey Man's class "Fall Festival", a.k.a. "let's get the kids all strung out on sugar and then send them home for the parents to deal with." Unlike past years where I've made spiderweb cupcakes or treat bags for the entire class, I sent him to school with his costume in a bag and didn't think twice about it or feel guilty one bit. Remember, I'm up for Mom of the Year, so I didn't want to wreck my chances of being a shoo-in for the award.
When I got to his class to pick him up tonight, he had red-rimmed eyes and had obviously been crying. His teacher pulled me aside and explained that he had gotten upset when he had to take off his costume after the party and before they went out on the playground, and that he'd cried several times after that. One time he cried because one of his classmates that was standing next to him fell down, and he was convinced that The Man was going to yell at him for this kid falling down.
The biggest crisis, other than having to remove the costume, was his pants. He wore his usual uniform of Levi's today - not to mention that he has a spare change of clothes in his cubby just in case. But when the party was over and he had to put his pants on, his pants were too big and kept falling down, which made him hysterically cry. So the teacher asked him to go get his spare set of pants, and he was wearing the spare set.
But they weren't his pants. Nor were the "big" pair. And the pants he wore to school and the extras in his cubby were gone. So much for letting a bunch of 4 and 5-year olds take control over wardrobe. The teacher was completely embarrassed and promised to find the pants tomorrow. Honestly, it wasn't that the pants were missing - they cost me $10 each at Kohl's on sale. But it was how traumatized my poor sugar-stoned kid was over the whole thing.
Monkey Man and I didn't have a very good night last night. I was exhausted, snappy, and basically wished he would just go in his playroom and give me five minutes of peace. And I felt like shit all day about it today. I went back and read Dooce's newsletter from earlier this month where she talked about her depression and her guilt that her daughter might remember her dark days, and I know I don't want that for Monkey Man. I remember back to my eighth grade year when my dad had an accident and how it changed my life for that year, and how much I resented my mother for not letting me do normal kid things that all my other friends were doing like going roller skating or to the eighth grade dance. Yeah, I might be putting my kid in for a tonsillectomy on the Holy Grail of Sugar Day, but he's only four - will he even remember it? Probably not. But if I drag on day after day wallowing in my own pity, that's a whole other story and I just can't go there.
So we packed up the Halloween costume and I walked my teary-eyed son out to the car, we ran through the drive-thru and picked up some dinner and headed for home.
Me: Monkey Man, I have to tell you something.
MM: Okay, mommy.
Me: I'm sorry that I was mad last night. Mommy has been very sick, and I am still very tired from when Grandpa was in the hospital and then when you were in the hospital. Sometimes Mommies and Daddies can have a lot of things going on that can make us feel overwhelmed - but it doesn't mean that we love you any less. And I love you a whole lot, okay?
MM: I know, Mommy. And I felt overwhelmed today too when my pants kept falling down. That's why I cried. But I feel better now because they weren't my pants anyway so it wasn't my fault.
We came home and ate our take-out and while he rooted through his Bucket o' Hyperactivity, I thought about what he said. And maybe I need to think like he does. None of this crap going on is my fault - it's all stuff that's out of my control at this point, and instead of letting it get me down I need to try and focus on the future and how things will get better.
The tonsil surgery might not cure all of Monkey Man's problems, but it certainly won't make them any worse.
My antibiotics are half-gone and I do feel a little better today.
My dad is having a better day today and apparently is not as anxious about being a "burden".
Small things, but good things. And I have a pair of size 5 regular Levi's to thank for giving me that kick in the ass today.
5 comments:
Look at you! What an awesome post about Mommy Guilt relief! Who knew the short legs on a pair of size 5 levis could hit so high?! But that kick in the ass, is sometimes what we need to realize our Guilt-o-Meter has maxed out and we need to take it easy on ourselves and do exactly what you just did, which is not getting hung up in the here and now and trying to see the big picture. There is only so much we can control. Continued good health for you and your family!
the big debate in our house right now is whether to keep bob home from school on tuesday, so that we avoid him having a bad day and us having to decide whether to force him to skip ToT'ing for a 2nd year in a row due to bad behavior.
yep--we've reached a point where we're saving him from himself.
don't feel bad.
Great post! And great for Monkey Man to be so insightful.
YOU GO GIRL!
He'll get Halloween one better, all the popsicles he can eat for a week!
Great post. As Gretchen would say, you put on your big girl undies, I think. It's hard to do that sometimes, but it is so much better for all when we do. MM is right on in his thinking, too.
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