Flasher in the pan

It's getting so ridiculous at this point...the lack of blog posting...that I'm not even going to apologize for it anymore. Heh.

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Is the election over yet? I'm about ready to move to Canada or something. I've had enough.

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Two Fridays ago, Joey and I arrived at The World's Most Expensive Preschool to pick up Monkey Man from the after-care program and were met at the door by Lisa, The After-Care Director.

"Well, he didn't have a great afternoon. He was talking back to the teacher, not listening, and wouldn't stop pushing one of his friends," she whispered.

I can tell you this much - there wasn't a lot of whispering going on in the car on the way to dinner. Stern talking, as in If I Were Your PaPa I Would Be Beating Yo Ass With My Big Belt. And the promise of worse punishment if we had any more problems at after-care - as in, NO FOOTBALL.

Yup, we were so freaking smug. We figured out his currency and we cashed it in, dammit. There was no way that our kid was going to be anything but a model citizen from now on.

Can I have a slice of humble pie now?

Last Friday, I arrived at after-care and was greeted at the door by Lisa again. Crap.

"Um, yeah, we had a little issue today. Actually, a big issue. Monkey Man...um...well, showed his privates to two of the boys today. This morning, actually."

Hell what?

Long story short, he was IN the classroom when he decided to show off his winky to two of his buddies. They were all laughing when the teacher came over and asked what was so funny...Monkey Man got hauled off to Lisa's office where he promptly confessed that the two boys had dared him to do it. So they had a little chat with him and the two boys, and she asked me if I could follow up with Joey and have a serious talk with him about the whole thing.

My face burned. MY kid? My good, sweet kid? My kid that almost never gets in trouble for anything? I thanked her, went into the classroom and I knew by the look on his face that he instantly knew he was in Deep Shit.

I can't remember a time when I was more angry with him. Seriously, it's probably a good thing that CPS wasn't lurking out in the parking lot because I got that boy in the car and let fly with a screaming fit like no one has ever seen. Joey called in the midst of all of it, told me I was overreacting, but by the time we met up for dinner he was about ready to turn the kid into a big greasy spot in the parking lot.

I can laugh about it today - I mean seriously, I get it. Boys - and men - think that their winkies are the most important thing in the universe and they should be able to display it no matter what. But here's the thing - this was serious. First of all, our county schools have zero tolerance for this kind of stuff - they don't care if you're six or sixteen, ya don't do that shit. It's called sexual harrassment and is grounds for suspension or even, heaven help me, expulsion. Secondly, not only did he show his privates to some other kids, but he LIED about it to Lisa. The boys didn't dare him to do it at all...he did it because he thought it was funny.

And do you know why he thought it was funny? Because another kid had done it to him in summer camp. At the lunch table. Seriously. The World's Most Expensive Preschool apparently has a bunch of flashers in the first and second-grade groups. I've heard numerous stories from other parents about this stuff going on (and other similar things all focusing on winkies) so obviously there are some supervisory issues going on.

Not that it excuses the behavior, mind you. And not that it excuses me or Joey from not emphasizing that private parts are exactly that...PRIVATE. Hoo boy.

So anyway, we discussed everything at length and tried our best to teach him that private parts are private...and nothing to be dirty or ashamed of...but also the issues involved with showing them in inappropriate ways...and also the whole lying thing. It was simply awful.

The punishment we came up with was multifaceted. And maybe a little harsh, but honestly I felt like the crime deserved it.

No cartoons.
Clean up the playroom without assistance (including pulling out old toys to give to charity)
Removing all stuffed animals from his bed (this was huge, he cried the whole time because he freaking loves those things)
And worst of all...no football. But I did make him go to his first game and stand at the fence to watch his teammates play. He cried the whole time.

I don't think we scarred him for life, but hopefully he's learned his lesson.

And I learned that sometimes, being a parent really, really sucks.