So much fiber, so little time

5:30 AM - Wake up, open detox package and pull out pills for the day. Decide that even though instructions say "take first thing in the morning" to wait until I have breakfast.

6:40 AM - Monkey Man notices that I am carrying an apple to work and asks why. I reply that I'm doing a detox diet, and the horror on Joey's face is palpable.

7:20 AM - Run into local overpriced grocery store and pick out lovely items like dried fruit and oat bran.

7:30 AM - Arrive at office with bags full of organic crap.

7:45 AM - Right before eating, take first pack of pills. They taste like ass. And they are humongous.

7:50 AM - Choke down a cup of green tea with no sweetener. Maybe this isn't so bad...

8:15 AM - Blow up my first batch of oat bran in the microwave. Scrape out the residue and wipe out the inside of the microwave.

8:17 AM - Remake the oat bran with only hot water, decide to forgo microwave in hopes of actually getting to eat sometime this century.

8:20 AM - Decide that oat bran sucks wang and cut up an apple to eat with it. Much better.

8:40 AM - Finally finish breakfast. Feels like I've eaten ten pounds of sawdust but probably not as satisfying.

9 AM - Drink a bottle of water.

9:30 AM - Drink fiber supplement drink mixed with pomegranate juice after spending ten minutes stirring it trying to get the lumps out. Realize that the lumps are a hopeless cause.

9:31 AM - Almost puke in kitchen sink.

And that was just the starters. I guess the good thing is that there hasn't been any projectile poop. The bad thing is that I had really bad gas all day. Not smelly, not audible, but just ever present. The kind where you don't want to walk down the hall because you're afraid that every step will be punctuated by a TOOT. Yeah, that was fun.

Lunch was an unmitigated disaster. We were supposed to go to this really cool organic/all natural restaurant that recently opened close to our office, and when we got there they were closed for a special event. So we were in a restaurant wasteland and ended up eating in this little hole-in-the-wall place that I ate in about 15 years ago. And back then, it was full of senior citizens and the food was unremarkable. Well, times haven't changed. Most of what they had on the menu were what I'd call "old lady sandwiches" like pimiento cheese or olive and cream cheese sandwiches. I did find a grilled chicken salad which they managed to deface with horrid croutons, canned parmesan cheese, and some horrendous oil and vinegar dressing. But it was the best I could do. Meanwhile, my friends all got sandwiches that came with limp pickle spears that looked like they could use some Viagra and literally three potato chips on each of their plates. Not a banner lunch.

Dinner tonight was the grilled shrimp on a skewer salad at Applebees - it's on the Weight Watchers menu so I figured it was probably a decent choice. I had to take another 5 supplements and other than feeling a little hungry I feel pretty good. I am wondering what tomorrow will bring, though. Hopefully less gas.