Forget about Ringling Brothers...

If you wanna see the real freak show, spend a day with me in the office.

We have quite the cast of characters going on around there. A few of the highlights...

Robin has suddenly gone from being an adventurous lunch-goer who would go absolutely anywhere to only having like two restaurants that she will go to anymore. A few weeks ago, we got her to agree to go to Applebee's and we were all loaded up in her minivan waiting on one person who was getting her purse. We waited a whopping two minutes when suddenly, Robin threw the minivan into park and threw open her door and shouted, "That's it! I'm not going! It's too late to go!" Um, okay...I'm sure those two minutes will definitely throw us off by at least another 30 minutes. Freak. Anyhow, she's also gotten hooked on this piano bar up the street from our office that happens to serve lunch. One of her biggest pet peeves is when the service is too slow...well, not only is this place slow as molasses, but they don't even have anyone playing the piano at lunchtime. So you're subjected to cheesy '80's Muzak while you wait forever for your meal. Oy.

Beth was out sick yesterday. She developed a sty on her eye last week, so we all figured that since she's the vain type that will lay out of work for 3 days with a cold sore that she was probably calling in sick because of the sty. Nope, it was because she thought her house wasn't clean enough and she couldn't bear coming to work knowing that the house was untidy. Personally, I go to work to get away from the clutter...but I digress....

Today, Tina smelled like an old lady that had drowned herself in mothballs. I've written about her fashion sense before, but her personal hygiene has always been quite the subject of speculation in the office. I suspect she's using some of that Avon talcum powder from the 1980's every morning before work, and it's so strong-smelling that it makes your throat burn.

Christine is taking a trip on Amtrak tomorrow. Christine isn't a good traveler if she's going by herself. Last time she was pregnant, she had to fly alone to California and when she was in Dallas on layover she refused to get off of the plane because she was convinced that she was going to be left behind. Finally, the pilot escorted her off to a seat right by the gate with the promise that he'd come back to get her, and she sat there and shook until she threw up. So for her sake, I hope her boyfriend is there at the train station waiting for her ass so she doesn't totally freak out and go postal.

April has been on a detox diet for the past week. If I have to listen to one more speech about soy and whole grains, I swear to you now that I will choke her with a cheeseburger. With whole-milk cheese.

Mary has had insomnia problems for years and has been going to see this really sketchy sleep specialist. Of course, I'm sure she hasn't mentioned that she drinks two 2-liter bottles of full-strength Regular Coke every day. Wonder why she can't sleep....

And then there's me. The one who goes postal when I find the toilet tissue holder empty and runs around the office brandishing the empty roll. The one who reheats my Starbucks a minimum of 5 times every morning before finally giving up. The one who subjects the early-morning folks to a good dose of Quiet Riot at least once a week. The one who reapplies lipstick no fewer than 47 times a day.

All I can say is that birds of a feather flock together.