General Christmas round up

Ah, my friends...another Christmas gone by, another round of relative visits behind us, and it's time for the "Cliff Notes" version of the weekend.

Last Friday, we headed out of town to see the Out Laws for Christmas. This year has been kind of weird - our typical Christmas Eve and Day are spent at our house, blissfully alone, so we can wallow in our consumerism without the critical eye of our parents. Aw hell, who am I kidding - we totally are just too lazy to go anywhere until after The Fat Man comes. The Most Expensive Preschool in the Universe is always closed the week between Christmas and New Year's, so we always take that opportunity to go hit all the parental units' houses for a few days. This year, however, due to Builder Daddy's illness and the Monkey Man's tonsil explosion, I was well out of sick and vacation time in August so no time off for me! So our plans had to be altered a little bit with a whirlwind tour of the Dirrty South and then back home again. And as you will see, my lovely cohorts, this was probably not a bad thing.

Okay, back to the story. So Friday night, we went rolling into Joey's hometown to meet the Out Laws at the local pizza joint for some dinner before we went on to the rental cabin to crash. Both of us were exhausted, hung over, and crabby as crap - not to mention that it rained its ass off the entire trip down and Joey still has a cold that won't go away. Needless to say, we put our game faces on and went on into the pizza place to meet them.

Now, this restaurant is one of the few decent restaurants in this one-horse town, so it was very busy with people having little family gatherings and the typical Friday night crowd at the bar...and of course, this only means that every numb-nut that Joey ever knew in high school or beyond sees us and wants to come over and talk during dinner. My father-in-law (and for ease of typing now I'm switching to FIL and MIL, you get the gist) is kind of a control freak, so obviously the fact that Joey was paying attention to someone else other than him was driving him insane. And when he gets irritated, he drinks. A lot. So by the end of the dinner, he was pretty hammered and being a little bit nasty about everything. When we went our separate ways, it was left that we had to be at their house at 7 AM for breakfast the following morning. Keep this in mind, because as I've stated before, making any kind of plans with them is usually destined for disaster.

Okay, so we get to our rental cabin and within 15 minutes of arriving, Monkey Man's nose starts running like crazy and he starts coughing. Coughing, coughing, coughing. This lasts all night and keeps me up all night long. At 6 AM, Joey calls his parents' house and tells them that we've been up all night and won't be able to come until 8 AM. There is a glimmer of hope in this that by the time we actually get there, the breakfast will either be ready or close to being ready.

But what do you think happened? We get there at 8:05, and the only thing that has been done is that FIL cooked some bacon. Nothing else is done, and they're sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee in their bathrobes. Considering that breakfast was supposed to be ready at 7, wouldn't you have thought that they would've at least had the waffle mix made, the biscuits ready on the pans to cook, SOMETHING? Oh yeah, it's the Out Laws we're taking about....

Times are desperate. We are absolutely starving, Monkey Man is almost beside himself with hunger, and it's so bad that Joey (who has only cooked for me ONE time in 12 years) is in the kitchen attempting to help my MIL cook breakfast. And as each minute goes by and she continues to let her ADD explode and things in the kitchen are progressively getting worse. The biscuits are burnt, she can't get the waffle iron to do anything (and we had asked for NO WAFFLES because it takes for fucking ever for her to cook anything especially things requiring a special appliance), and Joey is getting more and more pissed.

Breakfast is finally ready at 9:30 AM. Monkey Man refuses to eat said waffles, won't touch any biscuits that are burned. Lovely. So in front of everyone, I proclaim that since he won't eat any breakfast (like the waffles which were just fine) he will not be allowed to have any snack. Keep this factoid in your mind for later on in this saga....

Time for presents! Earlier in the month, the Out Laws' TV had died, so Joey sent them some money to buy themselves a new one. I was fully expecting to arrive to find the dead TV still ensconced in their living room and find a new mink throw on their couch, but surprisingly they had actually bought themselves a new TV. We did get them a few small things so they had something to open, but the whole time I sensed that they were very unhappy that it was "all" they were getting. And in all honesty, when I saw the fact they had bought an HDTV for themselves (and being on a fixed income I new it was heavily subsidized by Joey), I was sorry we even got them anything else that cost over $5. Yeah, bah humbug.

After breakfast is over, then the real fun starts. FIL announces that their friends are coming for a visit. I should probably preface this by saying that these aren't "their" friends as much as the husband of the duo is FIL's friend and MIL can't stand said friend or wife. They are chain-smoking alcoholics and they are the type of guests that never leave and are totally obnoxious. Not to mention the fact that Joey has known these people forever and cannot stand the husband or wife at all. So now, Joey is pissed because on one of our rare trips to visit the Out Laws, they have invited The Friends to come for a visit and now we have that to deal with.

For The Friends, FIL has decided that he wants to roast some pork on the grill but he can't get the grill to work. So he has Joey disembowel the grill to try and figure out what the fuck is wrong. Ah, it's not the grill - it's the tank. It's not working properly. But instead of taking the sucker back to the store and swapping it out for a new tank, he's decided that he wants to fix it. This involves an air compressor, a tool box, and me standing inside the sliding glass door with the phone in my hand ready to dial 911 because FIL is working on the gas tank with a lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I never said the man was smart.

After Joey finally went up and bought a new tank (FIL refused to take the old tank back because he knows he can fix it, goddammit!), then it was one thing after another. He had to go to the store for his mom. He had to fix the gas logs in their fireplace. He had to haul some wood to the basement for the wood stove. And it went on and on until he finally caught me in the hallway and asked if I'd run with him downtown and to the cabin to pack our stuff up. As we pull out of the driveway, he turns to me and says, "I can't take this anymore. We've got to get the fuck out of here!" Then followed by 20 minutes of ranting and raving about how every time we come visit he ends up spending the whole time fixing stuff. I feel bad for the guy, but honestly, he doesn't stand up to his parents or offer them money to get the crap fixed. Yeah, they're on a fixed income and all, but still some of this stuff could be done without Joey's involvement at all.

By the time we arrived back at the house to pick up Monkey Man, The Friends had arrived. Joey goes out on the deck to say hi and offer them his token Christmas gifts (some promotional items from the company) and we start packing all the Christmas stuff up. I am already dying from the cat hair and dust that is flying everywhere, so I'm basically holding my breath the entire time. Meanwhile, MIL is all up Joey's ass about going out to say hello to The Friends because apparently they consider us "like family"...uh, what? So he tells MIL that yes, we've been out and said hello and given them token gifts so she is somewhat satiated for the moment. Oh, and then she tells the "cute" story about how the second we left the house our precious little son told her he was "soooo hungry" so she gave him a very healthy snack of cherry Kool Aid (which he spilled all over his shirt) and a Little Debbie snack cake. Which I'm sure she checked the box to make sure there was no chance of peanut contamination. "Well, I'm the granny and it's my right to give him a snack, so don't be mad at him," she said. Don't worry. I'm not mad at him. So don't worry your stupid little head about it.

Then Joey goes out on the deck to say goodbye to everyone and the fireworks start. FIL is pissed that we are leaving and starts running his mouth about how we never come visit (yeah, geez, I wonder why?) and he starts getting angrier and louder to the point that he's yelling at Joey about being an ungrateful son and blah blah blah. At this point, I say goodbye to The Friends and we end up hustling Monkey Man into the house to get out stuff and get the hell out. As we pull out of the driveway yet again, Joey turns back to me and says "Gee, and they can't figure out why we don't come visit more often?" And at that moment, I hear a choir of angels because this is a moment of huge significance to our little family...the moment when Joey actually admits, out loud, that maybe - just maybe - his family is totally nucking futs.

Oh, and guess what? They had already told us that they were going to "drop by" on Christmas Day. Goody.

On to my hometown, where we checked into the hotel and did a little snooping around and Christmas shopping while Monkey Man was in a Little Debbie induced coma, then on to my parents' house. Builder Daddy has a horrid cold so other than doing his exercises and sitting around, he wasn't up for much of anything. Mom already had planned that we would go to dinner at the diner and then ride out to look at Christmas lights at some place over the state line. Dinner was good, albeit entertaining with the freak show that was rolling through there. I managed to score a free refill of milk for Monkey Man by winking at the big redneck cashier guy ("Gosh, ma'am, I could really git fired fer this, but if we keep this between us..."). Then, the long drive out to the Christmas lights.

This place is hard to describe. It looks like a redneck trailer park decorated like Las Vegas. Anything that could stand still long enough was covered in lights. Then there were big inflatable snowmen, penguins, Santas, etc. all over the place, a huge train set, and of course a bluegrass gospel band singing on the porch of one of the trailers, I mean buildings. The weird part was that this guy that owns the place makes signs and stuff and puts them all over the place, so as you walk or drive through there are these weird religious signs like "Are you saved?" and "Jesus don't like stealing so don't steal" and "God is watching you. Do you know your own name? God does!" and so on. I swear it was like the Christmas version of Deliverance. Very bizarre. I was totally kicking myself for not bringing the camera, but I swear to you now that I will definitely be all over it next year. It's too good not to post it on here.

We stayed at a hotel and the next morning made a quick trip out to see my parents again before we headed home. Part of our rush was not being sure what time the stores were closing on Christmas Eve, and we had no food for the big family dinner and also Joey had to pick up my present from the jeweler. In the meantime, though, my mother had contrived a menu for me to serve on Christmas night to my family involving a "fresh ham". Now, for those of you lucky enough not to know what a "fresh ham" is, basically it's just pork - it's not smoked or a country ham, it's just pork with a big ol' bone in there. You can roast them or apparently boil them (which I totally don't understand but oh well). So we ran up to the Piggly Wiggly and discovered that they were out of fresh hams. Then on to the next town - no fresh hams. Finally we called a few people and found one that we threw on ice and brought on home.

By the time we got home Christmas Eve, I was dead ass tired. About 5 minutes after Monkey Man went to bed, we put all the Santa crap out and then I collapsed soon thereafter.

Christmas morning, we ended up having to wake Monkey Man up. How does this happen? I remember being up at like 4 AM on Christmas morning because I was so excited. This kid of ours was like "Oh, it's Christmas? I'll be there in a minute." Luckily for him, he managed to show the appropriate amount of excitement once he got downstairs and saw Mommy and Daddy's Visa Bill displayed in front of the fireplace for all to see. The Big Gift this year was a laptop. Not a kiddie laptop, a real one. The kid must take after Joey (former programmer) because he is a whiz on the computer. And knowing that if we got a desktop model it would be in his room, requiring multiple trips up and down the steps every 2.7 seconds, we decided that laptop it should be. Yeah, we're totally ridiculous.

Joey loved his iPod, I sulked for about a second over not having my gift but Joey had gotten a few little things for me to open so it wasn't too painful. So we all retreated to our corners and played most of the morning. The Out Laws came by for about 30 minutes on their way to see my niece at my ex-sister-in-law's house and then apparently they ended up at my brother-in-law's house for the rest of the day where they finally met his new wife's parents. I bet THAT was interesting.

I cooked most of the afternoon, talked to some friends on the phone, and generally did nothing much but get ready for my family to come for dinner. I did something I haven't done in ages - I busted out the silver (which needed polishing), the china, and the crystal and the table looked great. Well, except for the paper napkins but you know, ya gotta keep it real. Dinner turned out very well except for my yeast rolls which never rose, but we had the "fresh ham" with an awesome glaze, a recipe for "crispy smashed roasted potatoes" which was so easy and delicious it should be illegal, some spinach au gratin (new recipe that rocked my world), and some apples from my parents' trees that Mom had frozen earlier this summer. My sister brought pecan pie for dessert and Joey ate about 95% of it. Add some Fat Bastard chardonnay and it was good eatin', folks. Yum.

Today, I'm tired and sore and except for a few small necessary errands (like picking up the dog, who by the way celebrates his 7th birthday today - happy birthday Woof!), my ass is firmly planted here. Thank God we got an extra day off this year, because I really need it. And knowing that EPOD will be out tomorrow almost makes it like a super secret bonus vacation day!

If you survived this saga and are still awake, congratulations! You're now officially a member of our family since you had to endure the same torture that we did!