Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Corgi for sale - cheap. Or free. Or I'll pay you to take him.

Behold, if you will, Der Woofenheimer. Rufus the Doofus. The Woofadoof.

Isn't he cute? Look at that sparkling personality. He is loyal, affectionate and very devoted to his owners.

What you don't see, however, is the deep, dark secret that he keeps tucked inside.

Inside his ass lurks horrors that no man, woman, or small child should ever see.

Tonight, I came home from a long day of working (who am I kidding, online shopping while EPOD was out at meetings all day), then some Christmas shopping after work, picking up Monkey Man at school, meeting Joey for dinner, and basically being one stop away on the crazy train from going postal on someone. I had been bitching to my sister on the drive home that I was just so exhausted that I couldn't wait to get home, put my pajamas on, and just kick back and relax. Well, as relaxed as I could get considering I have Monkey Man's school project to help him with, about six loads of laundry to do, some more Christmas shopping to get done, hotel reservations to make, blah blah blah.

So after dinner, Joey went off to meet one of his employees to do an infrared scan while I brought Monkey Man home to hopefully accomplish a few things on my list. We walked in the door and Monkey Man immediately went to let Rufus out of our bedroom (where he spends his day). Rufus was so happy to see us - his exuberance was almost overwhelming us.

But not as overwhelming as the smell of what we found in my bedroom. He had evidently thrown up a few times during the day both in our room and in the bathroom (conveniently not only on the bath mats, but also on the tile floor and then on the berber carpet), but also left a big steaming pile of shit that was almost as big as the damn dog is. How one small adorable little animal could make such an atrocity is beyond my comprehension. And of course, right smack in the middle of the white berber carpet.

So, it's all cleaned up. Thank God for Oxyclean, although I think we'll have to dig the steam cleaner back up tomorrow and hit it again. But the whole house smells like shit. Not to mention that I lit a few vanilla sugar candles, so it smells like vanilla sugar shit. Mmmmm.

The little fucker, I mean darling, is outside. I can only imagine what he got into that made him sick. You see, corgis have very delicate digestive systems yet they have a serious penchant for all things disgusting like cat shit and road kill. The landscapers apparently broke our invisible fence and we haven't had a chance to spend a whole day waiting on the fence people to show up and fix it...so Rufus has had free roam of the neighborhood. A neighborhood full of untold delicacies. Oh my God, it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it.

So, a few days of some rice and Zantac 75 and he should be good as new, ready to go out in search of new treats. Hopefully it's not more serious, which we've had happen before and ends up costing hundreds of dollars.

All I can say is that it certainly explains the rank farts that he's been blasting all over the house for the past few days. Definitely some parchers in there. I'm surprised he wasn't high-fiving Joey and Monkey Man, they were that impressively bad.

They don't pay me enough to live here.


g-man said...

My girls want a pet, and H wants a golden retriever, so I guess it is lucky that when we moved into our new house we got two goldfish in our "water feature" in the back yard. (The girls named them Spider and Elizabeth) I don't know that we could deal with anything else that makes noise and poops.

Mrs. Wheezer said...

Hoo boy can I relate. We have a mutt with similar tastes and tender tummy. When she busts out, we almost always wind up at the vet for her to get subcutaneous fluids. While it is quite humorous to watch her lug around puppy equivalent DDD's, the vet bill isn't quite so funny.

Tanaya said...

Oy. Our golden is the canine equivilant to an old man. He groans, he's overweight, he has bladder issues and he farts like a trooper. The silent but violent kind. His only saving grace? He sleeps on the floor on Mister's side of the bed!

Gretchen said...

"Thank God for Oxyclean" - First time I read that I thought it said oxycontin...