Roundup at the rodeo

Next time, I'll take the bronchitis

During my bout with bronchitis a few weeks ago, the doc prescribed an antibiotic that I've never taken before along with stern warnings about the effect it would have on my birth control pills. Two days later, my ob/gyn reinforced the warnings, basically saying that it was going to screw up things so bad that if I had any nookie plans, I better double-bag the rascal and hose myself down with spermacide afterwards. Or hell, just abstain for the next 28 days.

Well, it's not the nookie stuff that is bugging me as much as the fact that these stupid antibiotics have messed up my pills so much that I'm breaking out like a hormonal teenager. Seriously, last week my forehead looked like one of the before pictures on a Proactiv commercial. Today, my cheeks are breaking out - and they never, ever break out. I have spent every night pulling out the big guns of my Philosophy collection and slathering the crap all over me in a vain attempt to keep from looking like one of the Brady Bunch.

I think next time, I'll take the bronchitis. At least I'll look good when I'm hacking up a lung.

*****

The trash majal

Part of the master plan for our yard that our landscape architect designed was a new enclosure for our trash cans. We live in one of those Stepford Wives types of neighborhoods where we have a Yard Nazi that patrols through here looking for things like visible trash cans and grass that exceeds the 5" maximum height. And don't even get me started on the day I saw her with a paint chip examining everyone's mailbox post to make sure it was the "legal" color....

So of course, I called my local neighborhood handyman Cat Door M and offered him the opportunity to make a few bucks building one for us. And then proceeded to harass him weekly about it for the past four months. Now that the driveway has fully cured and his workload is lightening up, suddenly he was free this week to do the work. He asked what I wanted, and I told him that I wanted the hottest, sexiest trash can enclosure that you can build. In my world, this should be maintenance free for the rest of the century yet also be under $200.

When he finished laughing, he dropped the bomb on me how much this enclosure is going to cost (along with a matching one to replace the crapola one the builder put around our heat pumps).

All I have to say is that it better be one fucking sexy trash enclosure. Geez louise. Not to mention that he'll probably eat all the food in my house when he's here working. This is really going to cost me.

*****

The runaway corgi

Apparently, Rufus is highly perturbed with us for not taking him to doggy daycare last Thursday. See, we send him to a doggy daycare one day a week when the cleaning lady is here - not only because he barks incessantly when she's here, but it's great exercise and helps curb his herding instinct. And he loves it, which can be funny yet annoying as crap especially when wearing black dress pants.

Yesterday morning, the dog was outside when I left for work. He had been following me around the house, nudging my calf over and over like he was trying to herd me toward the car. I would let him go outside, and in less than 2 minutes he would be back on the deck, staring inside the door like, "Mom? Hey, Mom? Is school today?" And for some reason, I didn't put two and two together so when I was backing out of the driveway, he started loping along with those stubby little legs of his. I pulled out into the street, and he started following me at a gallop. Well, as much of a gallop as you can muster with legs that are about four inches long. Poor thing thought I had forgotten to take him to school even though it wasn't Thursday.

I finally had to call Joey at the house and get him to come call the stupid dog before he ended up following me out into the main part of the neighborhood and getting hit by a car. And then as I pulled away, all I saw was his sad little face in the rearview mirror.

And you know what he was thinking?

"Yoooooou suuuuuuck!"

Probably the nicest thing he's thought about me all week.