Kids, don't try this at home

As I mentioned recently, tomorrow is my long-awaited return to the spa for a good ol' fashioned waxing. Long-awaited as in I haven't had a decent waxing job since like September, not counting the half-assed job I got at the nail place. (Note to self - that's why they are nail places, not hoo-ha waxing places.)

Most of my friends fall into three categories - the ones who have never waxed before ("Oh God, I just can't imagine what that would be like..."), those who waxed once and found it so horrifying that they never returned ("I had emotional scarring that lasted for years!"), and those who are devotees. I had never waxed before I started last year, and I swear that once you wax (unless you have a horrible experience), you will never go back.

You might wonder - what would make a reasonably intelligent woman allow a total stranger to smother her nether regions with hot wax and then rip out her hair? Well, it's called "do it yourself disaster recovery" in my book.

I've always had a certain zeal for self-improvement that can get me into trouble. Like ask me about the time when I got one of those scrubbing buffer pads back in the late 1980's and was so forceful at scrubbing my face that I made myself bleed. No, maybe I should talk about the time I almost amputated my own big toe trying to cut my toenails. Oh, wait, there's the time I ended up with seborrhaic dermatitis after attempting to bleach my pathetic little bit of facial hair (if I knew then what I know now, I would've left that shit alone because it is nothing compared to what happens as you get close to 40...).

I think you see the pattern here. I am a disaster. The worst time was about four years ago when in an attempt to save some money, I got some of the Sally Hansen cold-wax strips and attempted to wax my own eyebrows and lip at home. Eyebrows = good. Lip wax = permanent emotional scarring. Let's just say that when I attempted to move the "gentle strips", I ripped off the skin on my upper lip, leaving a raw mustache that lasted for weeks. Not exactly a good way to discreetly hide the fact that you have embarrassing facial hair, huh?

So, I prefer to let the professionals handle it. A few weeks ago, when Down Yonder started getting a little wild, I decided to sneak Joey's hair trimmer out and tidy things up a bit.

I shaved a big bald spot right in the middle. Not a good look.

Somehow, $30 doesn't seem like so much when I think what possibly could have happened with that trimmer in my highly incompetent hands. (shudder) You'd probably see me on Dr. 90210 having some sort of hoo-ha transplant.