Tonight, I'm packing up the liquor bottles and a few bottles of wine in preparation to head to my parents' house tomorrow. And they're not for sharing.
I'd like to share my tale of Thanksgiving with you, Internet. Is that okay?
Too bad. You are much cheaper than therapy at this point.
My parents live approximately 40 minutes west of my in-laws. And all of this is about 2.5 hours from our house. In past years, we've been able to spend Thanksgiving with both families - a long, hellish day but doable. This year, things got totally screwed up when Joey's cousin decided that their side of the family would meet at his house this year - which is 2.5 hours east from here. No problem, I thought - Joey will be going to his last football game of the season (and not just any game, but THE game of the year) on Saturday, so I figured we could do Thanksgiving with my in-laws, come back home tonight, and then leave in the morning to go to my parents'. Plan being that we will stay at my parents' for three days.
Joey and I discussed it, hotel reservations were made in my hometown, and things were set. Everyone was happy. Or so I thought.
It started when my in-laws caught wind that we were only coming for the day. How this is different than any other Thanksgiving, I'll never know - but for some reason they expected us to get a hotel room down there close to cousin's house and spend the night. Part of why we didn't was that Thanksgiving dinner was set for 2 PM - and y'all know, once dessert is over so is Thanksgiving and you can watch football any damn where and I'd rather be at home in my pajamas, thank you very much. Not to mention that everything down there was closed today, so what would we do for food or entertainment? I sure didn't feel like sitting in a hotel all night looking at each other. I don't want to do that with people I like, let alone people that I would let wolverines eat.
Then, my mother apparently got offended that my sister and I got hotel rooms. Part of this is because my dad is sleeping in one of the guest rooms right now, my brother is in from Seattle and sleeping in another room, and apparently my punk-ass niece is coming from Atlanta with a friend and they are staying on the sofabed in the finished basement. Now, how in the world would you fit another 4 adults and 1 child into this scenario?
The other issue with this is that my brother, Idiot Savant, is my mother's favorite. There, I said it. The guy is such an idiot - he never calls my parents, never comes to visit, but he is undoubtedly the Golden Child of the family. And his daughter is Spawn of Golden Child. She is the biggest, brattiest kid ever and plucks my last nerve every time I'm around her with her obnoxious know-it-all attitude. I can hardly wait until she has to go out into the real world and see how real people live. Anyhow, I knew that I couldn't stomach my mother falling all over herself waiting on them hand and foot, so I figured a hotel room would be a welcome respite from the fray at my parents' house. Not to mention the fact that on Wednesday night I was talking to my mother on the phone when my niece arrived and my own mother hung up on me. Nice.
So today, we went down to Cousin's house for Thanksgiving and everyone was on pretty good behavior. My father-in-law apparently wasn't too drunk yet so he hadn't reached his normal level of rude obnoxiousness before we left. My mother-in-law was her usual jibbery-jabbery self getting all up in the middle of everyone's business. Aunt Jean showed up with her daughters and their families about 15 minutes before we were supposed to eat (it's like a small army trying to repopulate the planet), my brother-in-law brought his mysterious "new" wife (I still think there's something odd about her that I can't quite figure out), and my in-laws brought my husband something special.
A pair of overalls. God help me. I wish I'd had a camera to capture how he looked in them, and the look of What the Fuck Ever on my face. Talk about priceless family moments.
When we got home, I called my mother to wish her a happy Thanksgiving and they hadn't even eaten dinner yet. It was 7 PM, and I'm sure that they were starving since they're used to eating dinner at like 4:30 PM like old people do. I think they must've gotten a defective pop-up timer in their turkey, but I heard my sister in the background and damn did she sound stressed out like she was getting ready to head to the garage and get the ax. I bet she can't get to the hotel fast enough tonight.
So, we're off to the land of Love and Harmony and Dial-Up in the morning. I'm hoping for internet at the hotel, but even if they don't, we'll have plenty of booze there. My sister and I have been scheming for days about what we're going to bring so we can have open bar at the hotel while my mother is licking my brother's shoes back at the house.
Peace and turkey grease, y'all.
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