Crimes against the English language

Thanks to my friend Gretchen's blogroll, I found this very cool blog called “The Dude Abides” – not only do I enjoy reading The Dude's posts because he is one funny guy, his photos are absolutely amazing. Anyhow, the other day The Dude was discussing the atrocities people commit against the English language and had me absolutely dying.

I had the privilege (or lack thereof) of working with Napoleon, the jackass superintendent, for almost 2 years and you would not believe how much this guy single-handedly managed to not only butcher but maim and kill the English language. A few examples (with translations if necessary):

Napoleonisms

“illregular” - That’s a very illregular shaped soffit.
“Vanilla” - Hey, do you have any vanilla folders?
“Stevie Wonder Clear” - Not only stupid, but offensive as well…
“Confulscated” - Should be confiscated
“Em-f*cking-barassing”
“Infillstructure” instead of infrastructure
“encumbersing.” I have no idea what he was talking about…maybe encompassing?
“cogzant” for cognizant
“Reduplicating”
“Flying at 50,000 square feet.” A true classic. "He can't even see what's going on because he's flying at 50,000 square feet."
“Modjunar” furniture (modular)
“Earconceived” (instead of ill-conceived)
“Cloneys” (instead of cronies)
“Powerphrase” (instead of paraphrase)
“Fupa” (instead of faux pas)
“Power Blasting” (instead of power washing)
“Mute” – instead of moot (“It’s a mute point”)

Yes, these are all real. No, you can't make this shit up. And this is just the short list.

Eeyore, Cat Door M, and SG were all contributors to the list since we all worked with this jackass for what seemed like an eternity. Once we returned to the main office, though, I was sitting in my office one day when one of the other assistant project managers knocked on my door…

APM: (whispering) Hey, I heard about your list.

Me: (flustered) What list?

APM: You know. The list. And I’ve got some words for you to add to the list if you want them. I worked out there at that job downtown for a year and believe me, what that guy does with words should be illegal.

So I gave him the list, and about 30 minutes later he reappeared with his additions. “If you ever tell anyone I contributed to this list,” he said, “I will deny it to my dying day.”

Oh, believe me…this list has become our dirty little secret. And it keeps on growing by the day.

Thanks to The Dude for the inspiration to dig this list out again and laugh my ass off. Make sure you check his blog out, y'all.