Friday, July 14, 2006

What a freaking week

This has been one of the most colossally crappy weeks I can remember in a long, long time.

Monday – Drop car off at dealer for scheduled maintenance. Get in shouting match with service manager because they try to charge me for stuff included in my maintenance agreement. Ride in courtesy shuttle with old man driver who not only doesn’t know where the hell he is going, but slams on the brakes and gas alternately so I arrive at work feeling very green around the gills. Receive e-mail from father that cousin has died from liver cancer and they are leaving for South Carolina in the morning. Start feeling kind of itchy in the nether region. Head to CVS to pick up Monistat, hoping that perhaps it’s a yeast infection. And since I’ve only had one in 36 years, I really don’t remember what one feels like. Joey hears banshee wailing coming from bathroom at bedtime. I crawl into bed and curl up in the fetal position.

Tuesday – Resist urges to rub crotch on furniture, filing cabinets, other people. Finally decide to seek professional advice and am told, “Girl, from the waist down you are a total mess.” Blood in urine, white blood cells on “smear”…so it is not only a yeast infection, but a possible bacterial infection. Spend $40 on doctor’s visit and $100 on medicine. Apparently insurance company will pay for viagra, but not for skanky hooha medicine. Consider running for Congress so I can make hooha medicine free. No one should have to suffer like this. Worry incessantly about my senior citizen parents cruising down the interstates with two of my aunts and uncles since the youngest one in the car would be my mom who is 76. Check CNN constantly for news of carload of senior citizens smushed by transfer truck.

Wednesday – Feeling better. Cat Door M’s subcontractor starts our retaining walls and gets quite a bit done. Parents arrive home unscathed from cousin’s funeral and have lots of good family news. All warm fuzzies disappear when I find out my mother-in-law has been scheming for weeks to make sure we have no excuse not to come to the stupid family reunion next weekend. Get mad at Joey for not discussing it with me until I hold him at gunpoint. Wonder why hooha problems weren’t next weekend instead of this week so I would have excuse for not going.

Thursday – That lovin’ – I mean burnin’ – feeling returns. Call doctor in panic and receive prescriptions for another $100 in medications. Immediately lock self in company restroom with large paper bag full of hooha medicine and proceed to lotion up and pray for relief. Return to desk to find out Intern has been missing all morning and although her car is in the parking lot, no one knows where she is. Realize with some horror that I have to go to in-law reunion next weekend despite fact that I would rather put my eyes out with a burning hot poker than spend 5 seconds with those people or everyone will think Joey and I are having marriage problems since I haven’t been down in over a year. Maintain pissy attitude.

Friday – Plan to work ½ day and then go on shopping trip with friend. Get phone call from M that I have to go home and meet retaining wall guy to answer question about detail. Drop everything at work and run home to meet wall guy. Drive into city to meet friend and then friend has to cancel at the very last minute because of work obligations. I go to mall and spend way too much money. Come home to message that my mom’s sister Mildred has died. This is now two aunts and a cousin in less than three weeks’ time. Pick up Monkey Man early with plans to bake cookies and end up burning a pan of cookies while listening to sister complain about her dog that pees all over her house. Cancel dinner plans waiting on M to pick up payment for retaining walls and he never shows up. Joey calls and says he played golf with Eeyore today and Joey’s game totally sucked while Eeyore is a scratch golfer. Dread going into work Monday to face teasing about husband’s severe lack of golfing skillz.

All I have to say is thank God it’s Friday. And now I’m off to the basement to get a Lynchburg Lemonade out of the bar fridge. Oh, did I say I was just getting one? WRONG.

2 comments:

joansy said...

Only you could make a week of hell sound so hilarious. I'm sorry about your aunts and cousin and hope that all else goes well, especially the hooha relief. I think 4-5 Lynchburg Lemonades are in order. At least.

And re: shopping & $$$ - I found a new Philosophy product that I love. "the supernatural" - its spf 15, tinted and hides pours & helps w/ color issues. I'm hooked.

Christina000 said...

OMG you need a round of hugs. What is with the itchy vajajays? You are not alone in that boat sista. Hope you are healed and the Lynchburg Lemonades worked their magic.