On the next episode of "Intervention"....

Some people are addicted to alcohol. Some can’t put cigarettes down. Some choose drugs.

My drug of choice? Cosmetics. I can’t get enough.

I have always been somewhat high-maintenance, but the older I get the longer it takes me to piece myself together. It’s to the point that it’s almost embarrassing. And if I add up the amount that I spend every month on hair products, cosmetics, soap, lotions and potions, it would be enough to feed the population of a small country. But I can’t stop.

I could go through the whole boring list in detail of what I need to do every day, but if any of my friends read it they will probably do an intervention and I’ll be on A&E next Sunday night. But here’s the Cliff’s Notes version….

The Hair – Shampoo, conditioner, leave-in conditioner, mousse (and sometimes two types at one time), then allow to airdry a little bit, dry with hairdryer, curl top with hot air curling brush, and then blowdry again to get that “lift” and make the hair not look like Farrah Fawcett’s redheaded cousin. Finish off with copious amounts of Paul Mitchell. Hey, it might be very 80’s to use Paul M., but if it ain’t broke, why fix it?

The Body – Dove Soap, Neutrogena Clear Body Wash, Dove Body Wash, Clinique body comfort lotion. That stuff smells awesome, just like honeysuckle. Yummy.

The Face – This is where it gets scary. As in, how many types of crap can I slather on my face without it falling off.

In the morning – wash with some Philosophy junk, follow up with microdermabrasion daily pads. Then Philosophy lotion, skin barrier, and if I have a huge zit then their zit stuff. Eye cream – gotta have eye cream. Then it’s Clinique all the way baby – foundation, loose powder, blush, eyeliner, mascara primer, mascara, light beige eye shadow. All that and I haven’t even put in an honest day’s work yet. I'm exhausted just reading this.

At night – wash again with Philosophy junk, follow up with lotion, some skin protectant crap that you can only wear at night, eye cream, and zit stuff if I need it. Lots of Carmex slathered on my lips. I am one hot looking mama with all the white crap all over my face. No wonder Joey likes the lights out.

Strangely enough, even with all that attention that I pay to the rest of my body, I completely ignore my feet and hands. In the summertime it’s almost a game to see how long I can keep from wearing sandals because my toes and feet look so funky. I keep my fingernails super short and natural – I used to wear tips but Monkey Man complained so much that I was scratching him that I took them off. Maybe instead of bikini waxing I should switch back to the nail tips? Or maybe not.

With all this money I’m spending on products, I could already have a huge retirement fund. Or Monkey Man’s college tuition for at least 2 years. Or maybe a bigger house. But hell, I’m 36 now. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. It might take $38 soap and 45 minutes, but damn it sure helps. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.