I think Victoria's Secret is missing out on a new product

About six months ago I started getting bikini waxes. I’m not sure exactly what drove me to that point other than the thought of being almost 36 made me get a little crazy for a while and if I’d been a guy I probably would’ve gotten myself a little red sportscar and started doing a bad comb-over with my hair. And I’m too cheap to get Botox or plastic surgery so bikini waxing was a good, safe, cheap alternative.

So the question – where does one go to get a bikini wax? Eyebrows are one thing because, well, your face is OUT THERE for the world to see. Your naughty bits are sequestered away from the world and you don’t want just anyone down there. Or maybe you do, in which case you might want to seek professional help.

I found a little day spa right down the street from my office – I figured that I could zip in, get the waxing stuff done, and be back at work in 20 minutes tops. Heaven forbid I actually do this kind of stuff after work or during lunch, but I digress. I decided to get my upper lip and eyebrows done first just to check the place out and as it turns out the girl was very cool and did a great job. I immediately made an appointment to come back in a few days to get my bikini area done. And I did some prep work myself, trimming things up a little bit so at least it wouldn’t be a candidate for French braiding or anything like that.

Now, I don’t do brazilian waxing. Nope, no how, no way. No one is getting that up close and personal with my nether regions other than Joey. Or maybe my gynecologist. I just get a little shaping up done so that it doesn’t look like Sasquatch down yonder. And I was very pleased with the job that the girl at the day spa did, other than the fact that I bruise extremely easily and I had some pretty nasty bruises for a few days. But I was hooked.

If you’ve never been waxed before, when you go in you have the option of either putting on these flimsy paper panties, keeping your own panties on, or going au naturel. Normally I would err on the paper panties side, but two visits ago the girl mentioned that she could get things a little neater if I went sans panties. I tried it out and it was a little embarrassing but she was totally cool and didn’t try to reenact any girl-on-girl stuff so I figured this was the way to go. And she was right – it really did look better. Or maybe that’s my way of justifying exposing my entire crotch to hot wax.

So that was in December. January rolled by and February was almost gone, and I realized with some horror that I hadn’t been in two months and things were starting to get out of control. I’m talking about something that you’d spray Round-Up on. So I booked my appointment for a Wednesday afternoon at 3:00 and steeled myself to go. Usually I will pop a Motrin or two, but I believe that day I took four just to prepare for the agony to ensue.

This is where things get kind of fuzzy. I was in total agony through the whole procedure – I guess maybe the Motrin didn’t get time to kick in because the first strip she pulled almost sent me through the ceiling. I almost asked for a towel to bite on, it was so bad. So she zipped and stripped and soon I was done. Except for…huge blobs of wax had gotten on the rest of the “keeper” hair and we couldn’t get it off. I had forgotten that important step of trimming things up so that the hair would be out of the way. Big mistake. She made a few game swipes at it and then doused a hand towel with the wax-removal oil, handed to me with a grim look on her face, and said, “Honey, it’s all you from this point,” and escaped out of the room.

I worked at it for a while, but no luck. It was totally gummed up in the hair and at that point I was so worn out from how much it hurt that I just wanted to get the hell out of there. So I pulled my panties on, got my pants and shoes back on and beat it on out the door back to work.

I should also add that I have a bladder like a camel, so I didn’t actually use the bathroom until I arrived home around 6:30 that night. And as I went to pull my panties off…they were stuck. I guess the wax had melted and taken hold of the hair and the panties, making a hermetic seal not to be replicated anywhere else in the universe. One pair of scissors was procured and I was finally liberated. The panties went in the trash and I ended up basically chopping the wax out of the hair. Nice waxing job, but the rest of my naughty bits looked like a badly plucked chicken.

Panties that hermetically seal to your crotch - available at Victoria’s Secret, five pairs for $25 now through April. I think I’ll be skipping that sale.