Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Maybe being sick isn't a bad thing

And again, I am posting this from the vast expanses of my kitchen which is a mess of dirty dishes, uneaten Tater Tots and pill bottles. I ran a fever all night, and woke up at 4 AM with a sick Monkey who now has strep throat too. Seems like last February all over again, except instead of calling this movie "Groundhog Day" I'm going to call it "Strep Diagnosis and Never-Ending Copays." Kind of wordy but it might catch on at the box office.

I haven't posted much about the office in quite a while, mostly because they came up with the genius idea of our company joining this millenium and starting its own blog and Facebook page. Which then resulted in the powers-that-be coming up with an internet policy that says we're not allowed to blog during work hours or write anything company-related. Hmm. I guess I could push the envelope and see, but since work is really more of a hobby than an occupation I haven't really had much to write about. Well, let me restate that - I've had lots to write about, but reliving my daily torture really isn't good for the soul.

Layoffs started again yesterday. Luckily, they laid off two of our most impulsive and demented field employees who will probably arrive mid-afternoon on Thursday with pistols blazin' and taking swigs of Mad Dog as they rampage through the office. And by luckily, I mean that at least we would expect this behavior from them so we're kind of ready for it. Not to mention I'm on the executive level on the back side of the building, so I'll have time to run down the back stairs before they shoot my ass. Both of them actually liked me though, so I'd probably get a free pass. I hope.

More will be coming. And I know this is terrible, but I'm almost crossing my fingers that I will be chosen. I was on the short list last year and was saved. But we're out of work, we're not picking up any new work, and honestly they're not going to pay me just to sit there and look cute. I mean, they already do that but I actually have enough to do to look busy.

What would I do if I got laid off? I dunno. I have a resume in to a Fortune 100 company that is pending an interview and they are notoriously slow in hiring. I might pull Monkey out of The World's Most Expensive After-Care Program and try the stay-at-home gig for a while. I might find something part-time that is local so I don't spend my days commuting anymore. I might start writing again. I might go back to school and try something else for a change.

Just for fun, though, I've been thinking of some possible new career paths for myself.

1. Midget Stripper: Okay, so I have that whole height thing working against me. But there's a definite lack in this city of midget strippers. Did you know that in order to get one, you have to import them from D.C.? I see a definite market here.

2. Construction Cleaning Company: I've thought about this one for a while. Hire the hottest women I can find who might do a half-assed cleaning job and call it "Dirty Girls". What red-blooded American male construction company wouldn't hire them? EXACTLY. And would they care if they didn't do a good job? You can bet your Daisy Dukes they wouldn't.

3. Personal shopper: For myself. Hey, don't judge. I need stuff too.

4. Model for David Yurman: As long as it comes with free bling, I'll model wearing nothing but two bandaids and a tissue. Hope David doesn't mind a few stretch marks.

Any other suggestions? I'm all ears.


Becky said...

I vote for writing! i love reading your blog! You have a gift. You make me laugh!

Red Dog Mom said...

UHM and I are in for "Dirty Girls" we think it's a much better name than "Molly Maids." Can we get in on this for a percentage? Seriously....

penni said...

I'm ready to stop lawyering, stop listening to whining clients explain that it's all their parents' fault -- yep, "Dirty Girls" sounds splendid -- a franchise perhaps?

Dan.Eliot said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Elizabeth said...

Sick people aren't supposed to be so funny. Can U please come over to my house and be sick?
Also, I got laid off from a large financial institution four years ago and it was the best thing that ever happened to me at the time. Four years later, tho, I think I'm ready to do something for pay again. Can I be one of your "Dirty Girls"? Of course, then it would have to be called "Dirty 40-something Slightly Saggy Girls" and wouldn't make any money. :(