Tuesday, May 27, 2008

So much to say, but not knowing how to say it

I don't even know where to start. But yeah, hi!

I guess I should probably explain where I've been. Or at least try to.

You see, I always have had a certain amount of pride about my life. That I'm the "together one". That I'm the one that always has a great attitude, who doesn't let the little things get under my skin, who forges onward with a smile and a lame joke. Yup, that's me.

Or maybe not so much.

I've been depressed. There, I said it out loud. Slowly but surely, I felt like I was sliding backwards to where I was five years ago when I felt like I was just going through the motions. You know how it gets when you're just existing to exist? Putting one foot in front of the other without any kind of joy or emotion about your life? That numbness.

You know what I mean. I know you do.

I felt like the walls were closing in around me. What might have been insignificant problems a few months ago suddenly became insurmountable, like countless stones tied around my ankles and keeping me from gaining any momentum.

The kicker was that we had a little scare here at home. As in a Oh Crap, My Period Is Late scare. The kind that the Mirena IUD is supposed to prevent, although as most of the PIM's know we do have one member who went on to have Kiddo #3 with the Mirena. I was so freaked out that I refused to take a test until 2 weeks had passed, and the day I was headed out to get the test my period started.

And instead of relief, I felt kind of sad. Maybe a little disappointed. I know we've made the right decision for our family not having more children, but there was a teensy part of me that was secretly hoping that we would indeed have another. But things happen for a reason. The strangest part was that I was surprised at the wave of emotions and was kind of swept up in it. It was the icing on the craptastic cake that my life had turned into in the past month.

Things are getting better, though. I kind of kicked myself in the ass last week and realized that pretty much everything was something that I could control and at least improve or make go away. And I started feeling a lot better. Eating better. Getting some exercise. Spending time outside. Making sure I had some fun at work, which had become a very un-fun place to be. Reconnecting with my friends. And most of all, loving my family. I would be nothing without them.

Maybe at some point the exercise and the diet and all the other stuff won't work and I might need a little shove in the right direction, but for now it's working. I feel like I'm getting my mojo back.

So while I've been scarce, I appreciate it if you're still around. And hopefully you'll continue to hang in there with me while I work through all this jello in my brain.


A few shout-outs to my peeps.

Congratulations to MPP's Mom on the birth of beautiful Sweet Potato! She joins her big brother My Pumpkin Pie who I am sure is very proud!

And as of Monday, we have the arrival of Moosebaby, son of Mitzi and Moose Green and little brother of Bob. Congrats to the happy family!

And last, but not least, happy anniversary to Aimee and Bryan of Greeblemonkey fame. Twelve years and going strong! And in no small coincidence, they were 26 when they got married...so were Joey and I, and we celebrate 12 years in December. Huh.

Oh, and one more thing. Monkey Man lost his first tooth after weeks and weeks of wiggling and wiggling. He was somewhat disappointed to only get money, I think he was expecting a new car or something.


Esmerelda said...

"jello in my brain"

I have to admit that I felt that way for two months before the race and I thought it was just race stuff. But it hasn't gone away.

I think I'm addicted to the adrenaline of struggle or acheivement and without something to fight against, I'm not really sure what to do. Is that depressed?

Nothing really seems to excite me these days.

Builder Mama said...

Honestly, Es, I think that's part of my problem too. First off, not getting much sleep due to constant sickness in our house. The weather has sucked here for weeks on end and the gloomy weather really kicks my ass. I didn't do my usual race this year which really bugged me and I stopped working out altogether. Now that the bathroom renovation is done I have no "project" to work on. And I could go on and on.

I think I always have to have something to "manage". If I could just figure out how to make it something small versus doing something insane like remodeling my house my life would probably be a lot better, KWIM?

I am an adrenaline junkie. Whether it's competing for something or someone, I'm all about it. Not sure that's the healthiest way to be, but that's just me. I like the chase.

Gretchen said...

Kiddo- Know I'm only a phone call away if you need to talk!

joansy said...

I've missed you!

I've definitely had those times and have been having a minor funk myself lately. I've been thinking that a girls weekend away is the ticket, but I don't see it on the horizon. Dammit.

I hope things turn around for you soon. It's great to "see" you again.

MPPs Mom said...

here is a super giant squeezey hug from me. I have missed you, so I'm glad you came out of hiding. thank you so much for the shout out too :)

MamaMaven said...

I am so glad you've emerged from hiding, I needed a BM fix!

I've been in that funk, its hard and that no sleep thing just makes it that much harder!

Yeah for getting back to the exercise, we have a race coming up in six months :)