Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Crushing my spirit, one day at a time

How is it that a day full of promise turns out to be...eh, not so much?

I have a crushing migraine. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration - before I got home to my beloved Excedrin Migraine I had a crushing migraine. Now it's just a dull ache behind my eyes. Just another example of why Yasmin and I don't mix so well - skanky hoo-ha and crushing migraines that make me want to yank my eyes out of the sockets and grind them into the floor with a stilletto heel.

I've been in a little funk this week, no thanks to Pink Hat Bitch. Yeah, I know I shouldn't let some strange woman affect me this way, but as I was telling someone this morning it's a little stinging to know that people don't really judge you by who you are, but how you present yourself (thank you, Tim Gunn's House of Style for reemphasizing this to me with your fancy-schmancy life coach). How two years later and over 40 pounds lighter I am still reduced to feeling worthless and inadequate.

So while I've been dressing in, um, comfy clothes all week (read: Chico's traveler pants yesterday and today a shapeless pair of capri pants with a freebie shirt from work) and slinking around the office hoping that my spirits will rally, I got a little bit of a blow today.

My angst over my job was really bad last year. Bad enough that I interviewed with another company just to prove that I could get a project engineer's position - and I was offered it and turned it down.

Well, we had a new lady start last week. And today, I found out that she was hired as a project engineer.

99% of me doesn't care. If my dad's illness last year taught me anything, it's that my family ranks #1 in my life, and I love having a silly little job where I make decent money but also get to work a set schedule without a ton of worry, responsibility, or hassles. I love that. Not to mention that this woman is really qualified for the position - probably way more qualified than I am. And I'm okay with that.

It's that 1% that is smarting a little bit. Like I will never be good enough. Like I probably never even had a fighting chance.

But you know, it's going to be fine. I have put on my happy face and been gracious, friendly, and supportive. She's a nice person, and I'm certainly not going to place my frustrations with the "boys club" at work on her shoulders. She doesn't deserve that - she deserves my support.

She's going to need it, because she's going to be working with everyone's "favorite" superintendent, Napoleon. The one that ran off SG and Cat Door after we worked together on the big corporate headquarters job. It'll be interesting to see how she makes it out there on site with him, because he can be a total misogynist pig and she seems like she can get a little, um, snippy.

So anyhow, that's been my day. And now I'm off to revel in the joy that is my bed, and hope that tomorrow I can wake up with no headache.


Esmerelda said...

so sorry punkin. I know exactly what you mean...

Tree said...


She will need your support, I am sure, but not just because she is a woman - only give her your respect if she truly deserves it, kwim?

aimee / greeblemonkey said...

Hugs from me too.