I should've watched more MacGuyver

Today was the big road trip about 80 miles from here to see the Out-Laws and have lunch. And, as usual, it was full of fun! And blood! And gore!

We started out the morning at IHOP gorging ourselves on pancakes before we took our vehicles to get cleaned up. Mine looked like a red and white corgi had exploded all over the backseat, so it was really necessary since we have Super Secret Guests coming in tomorrow and we are doing a little sightseeing on Monday that required de-dogging my car.

Monkey Man must be going through a growth spurt, because the amount of food that the kid has put away in the past two days would put a linebacker to shame. It's getting to the point that he's eyeing our plates hungrily and we usually give in and give him more. This is good in some ways in that we'll probably lose a pound or two, but bad in others that I don't want my kid to get in the habit of overeating.

We got the cars cleaned up, I went to the post office to mail my dad's cards (they won't be home until Tuesday so I'm good), and as soon as we got back to the house it was time to jump into the Pimp Mobile and head down the road.

I was already irritated because my mother-in-law (MIL) had already called Joey this morning and said that they'd be willing to meet us about 20 miles from our house. I immediately pounced on this as the best thing ever, because this would cut our trip significantly. MIL had ulterior motives because in that direction is a mall with a Macy's and a Dillard's and she is totally the shopaholic and hasn't set foot in a mall in, oh, probably about two minutes. So Joey and I were stoked that now we'd probably only lose about two hours of our day instead of four.

Well, what ended up happening is that father-in-law (FIL) put his foot down and insisted we meet him at the originally planned spot 80 miles from our house. This little po-dunk restaurant where the food is kind of nasty and it is seriously in the middle of nowhere. But whatever, we sucked it up and got into the Pimp Mobile and headed on our way with the goal of meeting at noon.

We were about halfway there when I put my magazine down and closed my eyes for a few minutes with the hopes of catching a quick catnap, when suddenly Joey yelled out "Oh no!" and started slamming on the brakes. I jerked up just in time to see this old green Dodge minivan in front of us lock up all four wheels and t-bone a brown sedan right in the middle of the highway. Well really, the sedan appeared to be inching out into the highway to cross over and head north, and she pulled right fucking out in front of the minivan. There was no way the guy could've avoided hitting her.

Joey pulled over and I jumped out of the car and ran over to both vehicles, while a guy who was in the car behind the sedan jumped out and ran over as well. The man in the minivan was okay - his radiator was completely busted but he was out walking around and kind of assessing the damage. The driver of the sedan was basically stuck inside - the door was badly dented - but she appeared to be okay but maybe in a little shock. Her husband had cut his elbow on something and was bleeding pretty badly - they were at least in their 70's so I suspect he was on blood thinner which will make even a small scrape look like a slasher film. He grabbed a rag out of their backseat and was holding it to his elbow. I examined it and it just looked like perhaps he'd knocked a scab off his arm (they looked kind of scratched up like he'd been working in the yard or something) rather than a cut, so I suggested that he get the EMT crew to give him a bandaid or two.

Joey called the state police and eventually a trooper and an ambulance came. The sedan driver crawled out of the passenger side and was being checked out by the EMTs while the rest of us wrote our statements. The trooper was extremely nice and pretty much told me and the other witness that he hoped not to subpoena us - it appeared to be pretty cut-and-dried as being her fault - but he would call us if he had questions. And we went on our way.

As we were driving down the road, I realized that yet again I had gotten sucked into a situation where someone was hurt and I tried to patch them back up. I must be a magnet for senior citizens that have accidents, because I have dozens of stories about witnessing falls or accidents where I end up being the only person to stop and help. One story sticks in my mind - a few years ago, I was at PetSmart about to walk into the store when I saw this lady who was probably in her 80's literally trip and nail her head into one of the concrete columns on the storefront. Luckily, she really only grazed her head but she bled like a stuck pig and I was the only person out in front of the store at the time. I grabbed some napkins out of my purse and held them to her head while I guided her into the store to get help. Long story short, the lady was extremely disoriented and apparently was looking for her daughter (who was up at the WalMart shopping) but didn't want the daughter to know that she had fallen. She got downright pissy with me when I insisted on staying with her until the daughter came - I suspect it probably wasn't the first time she'd fallen and was either embarrassed or scared of the daughter's reaction. The daughter finally showed up and scolded her for wandering off from her in WalMart, and part of me wanted to stick my foot up her ass for letting the poor lady wander away in the first place. Ugh.

But anyhow, I realized that I really had nothing to help these people if anyone had been seriously injured. No first aid kit, no towels, nothing. Oh, I had a few tampons and a pantiliner in my purse, but somehow I think that poor man would've died if I slapped a Stayfree pantiliner on his arm. "Oh, don't worry sir, it's for light flow days...."

On a good note, my FIL was on decent behavior even though the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I suspect that Joey waited until yesterday to call him and discuss our last visit with them and knowing my FIL he now hates my guts because he should have the right to be an abusive asshole anytime he wants to. The fact that he probably hates me now is fine, because the feeling certainly is mutual.

So in the middle of lunch, my MIL drops the bomb that she has been diagnosed as being Type II Diabetic. And apparently she has known this since last November. My question is why on earth do you drop a bomb like that like seven months later on a day when you're supposed to be celebrating Father's Day? For dramatic effect?

By the time we got home, I was physically and emotionally worn slam out. The adrenaline rush from the accident plummeted quickly, and damn, my in-laws are the biggest soul vampires ever. I crashed on the couch and slept for about an hour, and I'm still worn out.

But tomorrow is a new day. And we won't have to see the in-laws again until the end of July, oh happy day!

I better find some wood to knock on.