Holy mole-y

Like life isn’t already kicking my ass right now, I had the most fun experience in a long time this week.

I got part of my arm hacked off.

Yeah, some people pay big bucks for this kind of fun, but with only a $40 co-pay I was sent away with a numb arm that then throbbed for two days. That kind of fun is truly priceless.

Last summer, I had a strange looking mole-thingy pop up on my left forearm. Since my nephew’s wife had recently had something similar removed from her back, I immediately called her dermatologist and tried to get an appointment. The waiting time – 8 months. Note to self: you should’ve gone to medical school for dermatology, dumbass! So I went ahead and made an appointment so that I could get in as a patient and then called my “old” dermatologist who of course took me right away.

In this town, you know you’re in trouble if your dermatologist can take you immediately, because it means one thing – they suck. I was never crazy about Dr. J and really only went when I was desperate, but I figured that if I waited 8 months to have someone look at this thing I could be dead. So I went in, she declared it was some kind of benign mole, and froze it off. That was back in June of 2005.

I finally got in to see the Famous Dr. K in the predicted 8 months and at the time, the area looked like something had been there but was now healed up.

About two months ago, I noticed that the area seemed to have changed. And by the time my regular appointment rolled around this week, the area looked just like it did before but it was like 7 little shiny pink mole-thingys.

Dr. K wasn’t in that day, but the nurse practitioner took one look at it and then brought two other doctors in to look at it – none of them were exactly sure if it was the mole re-grown, nasty scar tissue, or perhaps The Big C – so the decision was made to remove it for biopsy.

I am a big, fat wuss when comes to having stuff done. So when the nurse came in to prepare The Tray of Horrors, I was watching her like a hawk….

She puts down some gauze, some q-tips, a few small bottles of stuff, and then she pulls out this big ass needle.

Me: Um, what’s that for?

Nurse: That’s for the numbing agent.

Me: Mmm-hmm.

She then puts out a few other acoutrements, and then puts two three-inch razor blade things on the tray…

Me: What the hell is that for?

Nurse: That’s to remove the item from your arm.

Me: Is this before the needle, or after the needle?

Nurse: After the needle, of course.

Me: Mmm-hmm (feeling like I’m going to puke)

Nurse: Ma’am, would it make you feel better if I covered this tray up so you can’t see everything?

Me: I think you’re a little late at this point.

So, I got jabbed and sawed on and then received a lovely complimentary bandage. And a lollipop at the front desk that tasted somewhat like feet. The results should be back in two weeks, but as the doctors told me the fact that my family doesn’t have a history of melanoma bodes well for the results. Yeah, well, thanks for the info, but I don’t think it’s going to help me sleep any better.

My mole might not be as famous as Dooce’s, but it’s mine. I wore a Batman band-aid on it today, which looked quite lovely and I received many compliments. It’s the new fashion rage for Fall 2006, haven’t you heard?