Sunday, March 19, 2006

Sweet bounty of the gods

Waffle House. The All-Star. Scrambled, with bacon and hash browns, scattered and covered. And hopefully the waffle isn’t too brown but a light golden tan. Of course, you have to counterbalance all the calories by using sugar-free syrup and drinking unsweetened iced tea with two Sweet Things in there. Stop snickering.

We had an awesome time last night. Although Joey probably had a few too many margaratinis and started discussing religion. This is hysterical considering he probably has only set foot in a church two or three times since the day of our wedding. I’ll post about his feelings on organized religion at some point but the funniest part of the discussion was him repeating “It’s where I’ve come from, where I’ve been, and where I’m going” over and over for the last 45 minutes of the evening. I never could figure out exactly how that related to the whole religion conversation and I was the most sober one at the table. When he got misty-eyed discussing the merits of single-barrel bourbon I knew that it was probably time to call it a night.

When we woke up this morning, I asked him if he wanted me to fix what we lovingly call the “JW Hangover Special”. When Joey was growing up, if he and his buddies had been out partying the night before, my father-in-law JW took great pride in fixing one of the biggest stomach-turning breakfasts ever the next morning. And he would go into Joey’s room at some obscenely early hour like 6:30 AM and make him get up and come eat. On the breakfast table would be runny eggs, every greasy type of fried meat imaginable, and biscuits soaking in butter. Joey said it was like being lowered into the bowels of hell to have to sit there and try to choke something down as his dad sat there quietly, smoking cigarette after cigarette and probably smiling deep down inside.

When our orders finally arrived at Waffle House, it was just like being back home. JW would have been proud of what arrived on Joey’s plate. I am seriously impressed that he didn’t hurl. He did look a little green around the gills, though.

There is another legendary Waffle House meal that we fondly reminisce over every time we go there for breakfast. About 12 years ago, Joey’s childhood friend K. came to visit him in the “big city” and as guys do, they stayed out all night enjoying all the vices our city has to offer (believe me, there aren’t that many so I’m thinking maybe they wrapped things up around 10 PM?). Someone got the idea that they should stagger over to Waffle House before they went back to Joey’s apartment and crashed. They got ready to order:

Joey: I’ll have an All-Star, over easy, bacon, double toast, and hashbrowns scattered and covered.

Waitress: OK, and what will you have?

K: I want one muthaf*ckin’ porkchop.

Waitress: Well, we have the porkchop plate, which comes with two eggs any style…

K: Naw, yer not hearin’ what I’m sayin’. I want ONE muthaf*ckin’ porkchop.

Waitress: OK, one muthaf*ckin’ porkchop, coming right up!

Ah, the good old days. I just never understood why Waffle House never added the Muthaf*ckin’ Porkchop special to their menu. I think they’re missing out on a serious segment of the Waffle House customer base.

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