I am a food snob. There, I said it. It’s not that I have to eat gourmet food 24/7, but I do have certain foods that I adore and would crawl across hot coals to eat. My mom was and is a wonderful cook. And it wasn’t just hot dogs and beans, she took French cooking classes and would fix wonderful meals that I enjoyed even at a young age. So you could say that I was spoiled. Heck, the first time I was unleashed in the kitchen I made crème brulee, so the bar was set high from the get-go.
My husband Joey grew up in a house where both of his parents worked long hours to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. Most of his aunts and uncles worked as well, so Joey, his brother, and all of their cousins ended up at Granny and Grandpa’s house every day after school. Once he got old enough to stay at his house by himself, he fixed himself easy stuff to eat. He looks back on those days with a fondness that I can’t quite describe. I think it’s a romanticized version of Survival of the Fittest.
We have a few weird quirks as a couple, like not being able to agree on a type of toothpaste that we can share so we each have our own brand. Hell, it took us three years to agree on soap that we both could stand in the shower. But it’s food where we come to a swift parting of the ways.
I look at some of his favorite things and just shudder. How can he eat this crap? But I know it’s just my food snobdom at work. Examples:
Eggo Waffles – He adores them, I think they taste like cardboard at best. All the butter and syrup in the world ain’t gonna help those suckers.
Chef Boy-R-Dee Mini-Raviolis – One of his all-time favorite things to eat, I would rather put a bullet through my head than touch one. I’d rather be a cannibal than eat a can of The Chef Barf-R-Dee. Seriously.
Pop Tarts – Again, the cardboard factor. It’s just cardboard with icing. Blech.
Easy Cheese – OK, I admit that I’ve eaten this but I was really, REALLY drunk at the time. There is almost no way I’d eat it while sober. However, I would choose Easy Cheese over cannibalism but I’d never admit it out loud.
I also know he’s eaten things like Vienna Sausages and potted meat, both things that are so vile and abhorrent that they should be banned in all 50 states. Ugh, I have goosebumps just thinking about that crap.
I feel kind of ashamed sometimes because I just can’t bring myself to cross that line into Joey’s culinary treasures. This is even after my dear, sweet husband ate some raw tuna dipped in flaming liquor at the sushi place about six months ago. Yeah, I think he was doing it to show our friends that he wasn’t afraid to eat sushi, but how cool is that? I wouldn’t even eat that shit.
Honey, you rock my world. But I’m sorry, I can’t eat mini-raviolis. Even my love has limits.